For Your Sanitary Needs…

Yesterday I was in a public washroom.  In one of the stalls, someone had left a makeshift toilet seat cover made from artfully placed toilet paper.  Woman after woman turned away from that stall as if it the Black Death were in residence. I guess they all assumed that someone had done their business and then left the “seat cover” there. And I was thinking, what if this was a ‘pay it forward’ gift, left as a fresh offering for the next user?  What if it was a true moment of altruistic kindness?  Because logistically, I kind of think that if that toilet paper toilet seat cover had been used, wouldn’t it have stuck to the ass of the person who had used it before?

I mean, I’m not sure, because, me, personally?  I have never used a toilet seat cover in my life.  I don’t comprehend the whole idea of toilet seat covers.  All they make me think is Why??  What possible use do they serve?  I mean really?  What is your ass going to catch from a toilet seat?  If the seat is wet, can’t a gal just wipe it off with a great wad of toilet paper?  You’re washing your hands afterwards right?  ‘Cause if you’re not washing your hands?  Then YOU are pretty much the Typhoid Mary, not someone who just haphazardly tinkled on the seat.

If you place toilet paper strategically over top of a sprinkled (with someone else’s pee) toilet seat, is that now slightly wet toilet paper, not just going to stick to your ass?  And won’t you have to pull that wet paper off your ass with bare hands? Unless you wear gloves in the stall – which begs a whole other set of questions if you’re doing that.

This may be simplistic, but isn’t the important part of your ass actually NOT on the seat, but rather suspended over the toilet bowl?  What are these toilet seat cover users afraid of exactly?  Are the cheeks of your ass going to catch a disease from a toilet seat? 

(Warning: graphically descriptive passage to follow)
The only people who should be worried about the germs on the cheeks of their ass are the people who spend a lot of time touching their own ass cheeks.  Do they… I don’t know, scratch or massage, or just generally play with their ass cheeks and then what?  Eat finger foods without washing their hands first?   shudder  These folks must be worried about what they’re going to catch from
the seat because they obviously devote considerable time to playing with their own asses.   Practically speaking, even if you had hemorrhoids, wouldn’t they too, be over top of the toilet bowl, you know closer to… wait for it… ur…anus?  Wouldn’t they?  And before you suggest them… ass cheek zits?  Think about it.  How hard would someone have to sit on a toilet seat to actually pop ass zits that just happened to be in a ring around their ass exactly where they would rest upon the toilet seat?  I’m just sayin’ here.

A friend told me
that she actually sits ON HER HANDS on the toilet seat.  I was
dumbfounded, and it  must have shown on my face.  “But I wash my hands afterward!”  This makes it better how?!?  She would rather
have her HANDS touch the seat upon which other peoples’ asses had rested
rather than her ass?  That makes aboslutely NO sense to me.  Then there’s the camp that doesn’t ever sit on the toilets, they just squat.  Which, to be fair, is probably great strength training for your legs.  Basically what it comes down to?  Wash your freaking hands. A lot.  Especially if they’ve come into contact with someone else’s pee, or ass.  Washing your own ass would be a good thing too.

p.s. Do not even THINK about hinting that crabs are another reason to use a toilet seat cover.  This from the Centre for Disease Control:

“A common misconception is that pubic lice are spread easily by sitting
on a toilet seat. This would be extremely rare because lice cannot
live long away from a warm human body and they do not have feet designed
to hold onto or walk on smooth surfaces such as toilet seats.”

So unless crabs have secret sweat shops that make wee little suction cups for their feet – I think humans and our asses are safe sitting on a public toilet – sans covers.