And that’s how I accidentally took anti-depressants…

I’m spending so much time stoned now.  Not REALLY stoned.  Just migraine medication stoned.  And menstrual medication.  And arthritis medication.  I slept for 4 extra hours one morning after taking the most innocent-looking of pills.  It was a wee trapezoid shape – so wee and pretty.   It knocked me out.  It was the best nap I’ve had in a long time.  A deep sleep where drool seeped from the corner of my mouth – leaving me feeling like a contented bear greeting the spring.

Occasionally when I’m reaching into the pill container in my purse – I’ll empty an assortment of pills and I have NO idea what they are.  The trapezoid ones are some sort of muscle relaxant and I know I should have those with food because they’re hard on a gal’s stomach.  But the yellow ones, with the number on the one side and the random letters on the other?  Not a clue.  Aceta-something?  I am smart enough to know not to take any of these pills with alcohol, but other than that?  Is it a T3 with caffeine?  Because if it is, I can’t take that after noon on account of my crazy-ass sensitivity to caffeine.

When I was 19, I was sent to Dr. Shrink because of chronic insomnia.   I just couldn’t sleep at night.  My body was exhausted, but my mind would NOT shut down.  I’d recently had my existential angst/awakening to mortal fear and my GP suggested that seeing a shrink might be helpful.  The shrink put me on sleeping pills that knocked me out.  I would wake up all muzzy headed and remained kind of vague the entire day.  A couple of months later – I had a check-up with my GP and he asked how the anti-depressants were working out for me.

“Excuse me?”

“The anti-depressants that Dr. Shrink put you on.  Are they helping?”  He showed me the note in my chart from Dr. Shrink.

“So these aren’t sleeping pills?”

“No, but they can help with sleep.”

The next visit with Dr. Shrink I asked him why he hadn’t told me that I was on anti-depressants.

“Oh, but I did.”

“Ummmmm…. no you didn’t.”

“Yes I’m certain I did.”

“I’m pretty certain that you didn’t.”

So… arguing with a shrink never makes a person seem sane  At best you sound whiny, at worst you come off as paranoid.  I stopped my arguing and left it at this:  “Okay… let’s just say that this will be my last session with you, you Gaslighting bastard.”

You know what caused the insomnia?  Caffeine.  Our family’s habit was to take tea after dinner.  I had developed a sensitivity to caffeine and couldn’t sleep because of Tetley’s Tea.  (This was before I discovered Capt. Picard and Earl Grey – hot.) The smallest amounts of caffeine after lunch can ruin my sleep.  After a major operation, I was put on T3s with codeine and caffeine.  I was exhausted, dying for sleep, but awake all night because of the caffeine.  David called the surgeon and asked for T3s without the caffeine.

She was dumbfounded.  “There’s not enough caffeine in those pills to keep a person up.”

“Yes, in a normal person, that might be so,” replied David.  “However, we are dealing with Heather and she is a freak of nature.”

The good thing about my body being so freakishly sensitive is that I know almost immediately when something is wrong with me.  The bad thing about my body being so freakishly sensitive is that almost anything can send my body off into the land of disproportionate symptoms. Too much sugar?  Dizzy.  Too little protein?  Dizzy.  Flickering fluorescent lights?  Migraine.  Wallowing in post coital splendour for too long?  Bladder infection.

My Mom still looks at me and asks “Where the hell did you come from?”  She is healthy as the proverbial horse and my Dad – apart from cholesterol issues is doing just great.  Me?  I am the delicate flower prone to getting high off of caramel.  I can say though, that knowing to avoid caffeine – makes it WAY easier to sleep at night.  Without mis-prescribed anti-depressants.