Weight Loss Secrets Revealed!!

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE IN THIS POST

Pssssst…. over here!

You won’t have to starve yourself!  You won’t have to exercise!!!  Watch how these other women lost 20, 40, even as much as 75% of their total body weight! 

Take a couple of tsp of apple cider vinegar before every meal!  Spoonfuls of honey speed the metabolism!  Acacia will increase your lean muscle!

And… it’s all bullshit.  Bullshit to sell women useless shit.  ‘Cause you know what?  There is no quick fix for ANYTHING in life.  You want to lose weight?  You need to exercise and eat sensibly.  You want to eliminate lines around your mouth and your eyes after the fact?  Too frickin’ late – you should have stayed out of the sun and never smiled.*  You want to save for your retirement?  Put 10% of your salary into an RRSP every year.

Sure, you can lose 5 lbs a week!  Totally doable!  Wait, wait… why not go at it with gusto and lose 40 lbs in a month?!?  You’ll be SO svelte, SO trim… and you will gain ALL the weight back because that sort of rapid weight loss is a freaking fairy tale, despite what most women’s magazine covers will tell you.

Woman’s World just kills me.   Always a story about weight loss on the front.  Always an incredible sugar/fat/carb filled picture of a recipe that you MUST make.  Miracle weight loss annnnnnnnnnd baked goods.
 

“You look GREAT!!  Have you been doing Atkins?”

“Nope.”

“Bernstein?”

“Nope.”

“Cabbage Soup?”

“Nope.”

“Israeli Army?   Dukan?  Grapefruit??”

“Nope, Nope and NOPE!  I’m doing this amazing plan…”

“Yes?!?”

“It’s astounding!  It improves my sleep, I’m less depressed and I have MORE energy!!”

“OH MY GOD.  WHAT IS IT?!?  WHAT IS IT???”

“It’s…”  beckon, beckon, surreptitious look, for all those desperate-to-be-thin people who might mob a girl for the information  “…sensible eating and EXERCISE… ”

‘Cause here’s the deal folks.  Recommended weight loss is 2 lbs a week AT MOST.  That’s 8 lbs a month – not 20, not 40… And you know why?  Because when you sensibly adapt your eating habits and exercise you drop weight gradually, and your body?  It doesn’t think that it’s starving and your metabolism won’t  be completely fucked.

I’m on the treadmill 6 days a week for at least 40 minutes at a time – some of that time actually jogging – and wonders of wonders!!!  Sure enough, I’ve lost weight and my flabby thighs are less flabby.  So in fact, NOT a miracle – it’s exercise.  And I’m not saying that a person has to jog.  Do excercise that you LIKE for at least 30 minutes a day – otherwise you won’t keep doing it.  Back bothers you?  Get a recumbent cycle.  Don’t like being on your feet?  Swim at the Y.  You like to dance?  Grab a copy of Just Dance for the Wii. Me?  I like to walk .  I  hop on the treadmill and watch a tv show on my tablet –  that’s 42 minutes – then I’m done for the day and I’m so far up the moral high ground that my nose bleeds.

It’s not rocket science and it’s not magic – it’s working at it.  Take it from a gal who is prone to depression herself, working at it will make you healthier and happier.  Yeah, sometimes on a Saturday morning, it’s a pain in the ass and you grumble most of your way through it, but you WILL feel better.  I’m not just blowing smoke up your ass and you don’t have to pay me for it.  Oh and another thing?  Anyone in their 40s is ALLOWED to have lines on their face!  They’re not crow’s feet, they’re smile lines and what you should really worry about is if you DON’T have them.
 
*Botox or plastic surgery can help with wrinkles and lines.  Sure, you look like a freaking robotic doll, but if it makes you happy and you’ve got the cash, go for it!  Whatever creams your panties.  However, there is absolutely NO inexpensive ‘fine line’ cream that you can grab at Shoppers Drug Mart that will turn back the clock.  Do NOT waste your money.