And that’s when I figured out I was deformed…

These little piggies need to go to a podiatrist…

Ladies and Gentlemen I give you… HAMMER TOE GIRL!!!  Or possibly MALLET TOE GIRL! or CLAW TOE GIRL!  44 years old and I just realized that I have mutant feet.  I thought I was dealing with some minor foot pain, brought on by corns.   Turns out I’m actually a GEN-U-INE mutant!  My feet have mutated!  And it’s all brought on by wearing bad shoes – the fashionable yet tight, the beautiful yet pointy, the drop-dead-gorgeous yet heely – kinds.  My feet have been fucked over by beautiful shoes.

David is threatening to have me committed if I spend any more time fixating on my toes or looking at any pictures of weird-ass toes online.  In comparison to Google search images, mine really aren’t that bad.  It’s just the two next to my baby toe – on both feet.  They’ve always been a little bit ‘piggy’ in my opinion.  But seeing as I’d been brought up playing the “This Little Piggy” game – my toes totally seemed to make sense.  But then, in researching corns, I looked up hammer toes and found out there was a whole tool-oriented labelling system for weird-ass toes – and then I realized, “Wait a second – those sort of look like MY weird-ass toes!”

I knew that my feet had spread after having kids.  I knew that.  They are definitely wider.  I had to purchase a whole 1/2 size larger after having Rissa.  I replaced ALL my shoes because they weren’t wide enough.  But my feet never hurt until recently.  OH GOD!  It was March Break!  I wore a pair of wedge-heeled boots and we walked so much – I had to purchase an emergency pair of converse just so that I wouldn’t die from the pain.  That was the beginning of the end.

I don’t want to have to wear Birkenstocks all the time!  I get that they’re comfy – I get that they feel good – I even owned a knock-off pair myself, when I was in university.  But here’s the thing: you start off thinking that you’ll just wear them in the summer, but then you end up wearing them with socks in the fall, then winter and soon, you’ve morphed into a modern-day hippie and once that happens, you might as well start that commune, wear a poncho and grow pot to sell to glaucoma patients.  I’m totally going to end up in the BIG HOUSE because of my mutant feet.