BUY A HOUSE
In honour of our new house purchase and attending renovations, I’m sharing an earlier bit from my show How To Leave Adolescence at 30 – written and performed in 1999, shortly after we bought our very first home in Toronto.
Buy a House
Upon returning from our honeymoon,
David and I realize that for the first time in almost a year, we don’t have a
project. We flail about very briefly in
panic like a couple of large bass on a catch and release fishing show before we
come up with a new plan.
David and I realize that for the first time in almost a year, we don’t have a
project. We flail about very briefly in
panic like a couple of large bass on a catch and release fishing show before we
come up with a new plan.
We start looking
at those Resale Homes magazines that you can get for free at the Shoppers Drug
Mart. It’s this nice little game we
have. It’s called “Let’s Pretend.” Let’s pretend we are responsible adults. Let’s pretend that we have enough money for a
down payment and can carry a mortgage.
at those Resale Homes magazines that you can get for free at the Shoppers Drug
Mart. It’s this nice little game we
have. It’s called “Let’s Pretend.” Let’s pretend we are responsible adults. Let’s pretend that we have enough money for a
down payment and can carry a mortgage.
We pore over magazines and think about where we would like to own OUR
home. Do we want a house? Do we want a condo? A LOFT.
Wouldn’t owning a loft be great?
We could be like Laura Holt on Remington Steele with that great loft
apartment with exposed brick and beautiful wooden beams. We could live in an old factory. It would be so romantic. And affordable. Because everyone knows that lofts are an
affordable alternative to owning a house.
home. Do we want a house? Do we want a condo? A LOFT.
Wouldn’t owning a loft be great?
We could be like Laura Holt on Remington Steele with that great loft
apartment with exposed brick and beautiful wooden beams. We could live in an old factory. It would be so romantic. And affordable. Because everyone knows that lofts are an
affordable alternative to owning a house.
We enter the Candy Factory lofts
showroom – filled with large windows and exposed brick and beams as far as the
eye can see. We smile at one another knowing that we’ve come home. Then we look at the price sheet. For approximately 750 square feet of living
space you have to part with approximately 400,000 dollars. Check out the
security cameras from the Candy Factory Lofts right after David and I see the
price sheet. You know that cartoon wolf whose eyes bug right out of his head
when he sees the she wolf and he makes that noise that sounds something like
AOOOOOOOOGA? That’s exactly what David and I
look like before we run screaming from the building.
showroom – filled with large windows and exposed brick and beams as far as the
eye can see. We smile at one another knowing that we’ve come home. Then we look at the price sheet. For approximately 750 square feet of living
space you have to part with approximately 400,000 dollars. Check out the
security cameras from the Candy Factory Lofts right after David and I see the
price sheet. You know that cartoon wolf whose eyes bug right out of his head
when he sees the she wolf and he makes that noise that sounds something like
AOOOOOOOOGA? That’s exactly what David and I
look like before we run screaming from the building.
We go back to looking at the Resale
Homes magazine and make a call to Betty, the agent. Two weeks later, after having seen 9 houses
in total – thereby becoming true housing connoisseurs – we buy house number 4.
Homes magazine and make a call to Betty, the agent. Two weeks later, after having seen 9 houses
in total – thereby becoming true housing connoisseurs – we buy house number 4.
Why don’t you tell them what they’ve
won Bob?
won Bob?
“Heather and David you have
just spent the most money of your entire life on a two bedroom fixer upper with ‘potential.’ This home features small
cramped rooms, sloping, gouged hardwood floors, a delightfully claustrophobic
staircase to an uneven second story and a bathroom so small that only a toddler
could find comfort in it!”
just spent the most money of your entire life on a two bedroom fixer upper with ‘potential.’ This home features small
cramped rooms, sloping, gouged hardwood floors, a delightfully claustrophobic
staircase to an uneven second story and a bathroom so small that only a toddler
could find comfort in it!”
We take possession and spend the entire
month renovating. We’re not just talking
painting and wallpapering here. We’re
talking major demolition. We open
staircases replace bath fixtures, move walls. We get WAY dirtier than Bob Villa
has ever been. The kind of dirty where
you’re afraid to blow your nose at the end of the day.
month renovating. We’re not just talking
painting and wallpapering here. We’re
talking major demolition. We open
staircases replace bath fixtures, move walls. We get WAY dirtier than Bob Villa
has ever been. The kind of dirty where
you’re afraid to blow your nose at the end of the day.
We lay our own IKEA laminate flooring
in the living and dining rooms. We take
a weekend to do it. You have to pour
some glue into each groove and then whack it into place with a hammer and this
special groove shaped thingie that IKEA provides you with. First day, an hour into our operation, I
whack my ring finger. Really hard. I don’t just whack it, I rip skin off
it. Mindful of the fact that my
Mother-in-law is there helping out I manage to say “Wow, that really hurts.”
in the living and dining rooms. We take
a weekend to do it. You have to pour
some glue into each groove and then whack it into place with a hammer and this
special groove shaped thingie that IKEA provides you with. First day, an hour into our operation, I
whack my ring finger. Really hard. I don’t just whack it, I rip skin off
it. Mindful of the fact that my
Mother-in-law is there helping out I manage to say “Wow, that really hurts.”
I jump up and down a little bit and get a
bandage and that’s that. It hurts, but I
am above giving into the pain and a better person for it. The next day?
Just as we are on our second to last row? I hit my middle finger, same hand. All the poise and grace that I had
demonstrated the day before leaves me as I collapse into a heap on the floor, wailing
and screaming and weeping screaming phrases like “JUST KILL ME!” David tries to help me up and I wriggle
through his arms like a toddler still screaming, “I WANT TO DIE, OH GOD, PLEASE LET ME DIE!!!!”
bandage and that’s that. It hurts, but I
am above giving into the pain and a better person for it. The next day?
Just as we are on our second to last row? I hit my middle finger, same hand. All the poise and grace that I had
demonstrated the day before leaves me as I collapse into a heap on the floor, wailing
and screaming and weeping screaming phrases like “JUST KILL ME!” David tries to help me up and I wriggle
through his arms like a toddler still screaming, “I WANT TO DIE, OH GOD, PLEASE LET ME DIE!!!!”
It takes 4 months for my fingernails to
lose their blackened ends. But you know
what? It’s worth it. I look around our house and I know that
pretty much everything, we did ourselves.
We are creating our home. And
we’re doing it from the inside out. And
every time a person comes in and says “Wow, nice floor,” I have to smile and say “Yeah, it is.”
lose their blackened ends. But you know
what? It’s worth it. I look around our house and I know that
pretty much everything, we did ourselves.
We are creating our home. And
we’re doing it from the inside out. And
every time a person comes in and says “Wow, nice floor,” I have to smile and say “Yeah, it is.”