Cheap and Cheery Christmas Blouses

Today is the day! I am going to sew five simple boatneck blouses using Christmastacular fabrics that I purchased from Etsy the beginning of October. Five meters of festive fabric, already pre-washed and ironed – will be transformed into economical garments ($27.06 each) to brighten any holiday gathering from now until Christmas. According to the pattern, I only require .80 of a meter to create each blouse. I’ve even purchased a fancy new rolled hem foot for my sewing machine to cut my hemming time down to practically nothing. I tried it out and it’s fan-fucking tastic!!

Let the festive couture begin!!

I carefully lay the fabric out and cut the front of the blouse on the fold – I’ve already adjusted the pattern sizing to fit my larger bazooms. (The last time I used this pattern was in 1999 for a one-woman show.) I am super-excited to be able to wear these blouses. Maybe I’ll even wear one to rehearsal tonight!!

When I reveal the first cut piece, I realize that I hadn’t been paying attention and the pattern that I used is NOT a boatneck, but rather, a slight v-neck. My costume from 25 years ago must have been a v-neck. No worries, for this particular fabric – Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer – The Rudolph Co., L.P. All elements under license to Character Arts LLC. All rights reserved – I actually have two meters. I’ll have plenty of extra fabric to do the neck line that I want.

I cut out another blouse front with the proper neck line. Do a quick check up against my bazooms and I’m certain that once I cut out the back pieces, I will be able to wear this blouse in less than an hour.

I place the back pattern piece onto the fabric… here we go… easy peasy… and… what the actual FUCK?? The pattern doesn’t fit on the fabric. Why? Why doesn’t it fit? WHY DOESN’T IT FIT?!?

Don’t freak out, Heather. There must be a logical explanation. I’m sure that if I look on the back of the pattern, all will become clear.

The pattern reads thus: Blouse C – requires .80 meters of fabric. I look back at the fabric. I should have more than enough fabric. I look back at the pattern. Blouse C requires .80 meters of fabric… that is 150cm wide.

The adorable Christmas quilting material that I purchased is 115cm wide.

I am particularly proud of myself for not letting rip with a barbaric YAWP.

Maybe I can change the orientation for the other fabrics.

I can’t change the orientation of the others fabrics because they are patterned with reindeer/trees/cats/birds and these reindeer/trees/cats/birds are supposed to be up-down not sideways – which, even if I could, wouldn’t even work because…

I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH FUCKING MATERIAL!!

This is when I would usually fill an old-fashioned glass with two ounces whiskey, knock it back and then lay on the floor doing carpet angels until my blood pressure calms. Not only don’t I have whiskey in the house, but I’m supposed to limit my drinking to one drink per week or less, because of the stupid disease-modifying, anti-rheumatic drugs that are currently in my blood stream.

FUCK IT! I reach for the bottle of Danish Aquavit in bottom of the freezer.

And then? Then I go back onto Etsy to order another meter of each fabric. Which will bring up my unit price to $54.12 per blouse, but that’s okay, because… ADORABLE CHRISTMAS JOY AND FESTIVITY AND SHIT!!

FYI – turns out two of the fabrics are SOLD OUT.

No worries, those single meter fabrics will be… turned into… festive Christmas wrapping!! HOORAY!!

In the end, I will still have three, count ’em, THREE, mother-fucking festive Christmas blouses, which if you see them in person, please do me the kindness of “oohing” and “aahing” over them like they are are the most beautiful things that you’ve ever seen, so that I can warrant the amount of time, energy and mental anguish these cheap and cheery Christmas blouses have cost me.