Freak of Nature
I love SO many things about the autumn. It’s cooler. It’s crisper. Leaves change colour. My ass doesn’t get heat rash. I get to wear my stripey Victoria Secret Long Jane PJs with warm socks!
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| I want these pjs in EVERY colour! |
We light fires in the family room – in the fireplace – we’re not just going around willy-nilly setting fire to the sofa or anything. I make stew in the crock pot and David and Rissa act as if I’m a freaking Cordon Bleu chef. I can wear a wrap draped artistically around my shoulders overtop of a sweater and look all arty… I get to drink hot chocolate in my Max Brenner mugs.
| Hold this mug between your hands and I swear that you will get all squishy inside |
I smooth gingersnap body lotion all over my body. Which, some might
say, I could wear year round, but there are spring/summer scents and
autumn/winter scents and when the temperatures drop I crave those
darker, more tasty scents. Plus then David starts smelling me more and
saying things like “OH MY GOD, you smell AMAZING!” So basically, changing body
lotions = MORE SEX!!!
And yet, in the cooler seasons, David frequently says to me,
“YOU ARE A FREAK OF NATURE!”
When the temperature starts to drop outside, my circulatory system gets a
bad case of Dissociative Identity Disorder. It’s 15 c, my lips are
blue, my still as yet undiagnosed chest pain kicks in and David starts making me drink Scotch to force my wee arteries open. (Just the blended, not the single malt – I’m not a heathen.) The other night I had to run myself a bath. Apparently a scalding bath, because when David came to keep me company and stuck his feet in, he was pretty sure that the top layer of his skin had been boiled off. To me, it was luke warm.
Could be my thyroid, could be my peri-menopause, whatever the reason, from September basically through to June, David is on constant “Is she having a heart attack/vascular failure” alert and has my endocrinologist’s number on speed dial. Code Blue is how I think of it. I go blue and David threatens to take me to the ER. After DOZENS of these trips where I am NOT having a heart attack or near death, it gets harder to convince me to go.
“I cannot keep wasting 4 hours at a time like this. Next time I’m NOT going”
“Next time I will sling you over my shoulder and strap you to a gurney myself.”
“Will not.”
“Will too.”
See, that’s the trouble with chest pain. Apparently, you’re not allowed to ignore it. So every time it happens, I have to then gauge whether or not I’m having any new or more severe symptoms, which becomes a little bit stressful. And stress? Well, stress exacerbates undiagnosed chest pain. That fight or flight response seems to be a bit fucked in my body. Bit of Catch 22. I promised David that I’ll pay attention and I will. I am. I have my nitro spray handy. I can sip some scotch. But I’m NOT going to let my freaky body stop me from enjoying the autumn and winter and early spring!
So bring on the extra sweaters and the woolen socks and I’ll wear a freaking scarf and gloves inside so that I can enjoy these fantastic temperatures because I LOVE the autumn. The crock pot is on with apple ginger porkloin simmering away, I’m going to snuggle under an afghan while making notes in my script (possibly with up to three cats on my lap), and I might just go make myself a hot chocolate RIGHT NOW! 🙂 ‘Cause you know what? Autumn is freaking AWESOME!!