What made me think I was a bike rider??

 I must have been on crack when I thought I could do it.  I agreed to ride with actual bike riders who ride many, many kilometers.  For fun.  I was being ‘one of the gang,’ I was supporting a cause.  I was out of my freaking mind.

When I think of bike riding in the abstract – I think of sunny days on flat roads.   I think of shiny happy people on vintage bikes with wicker baskets on their way to picnics, sharing commiserative smiles with the other riders – joyous in their sense of community and fitness level.  Instead, I was rushing to catch up with actual bike riders, in cold drizzle, the victim of hills. Turns out I don’t do well with hills.  I was fucked by those hills.

The night before, David and I had gone out for a ride – you know, to get my riding legs under me.  Problem was, it’s spring and the midges are out.  Clouds of the little buggers – all having sex in mid-air and choking any idiot who desires a large breath, if say, you are winded by riding a bike for the first time in a year.  We were out for approximately 7 minutes.  Not one of those 7 minutes involved actual hills.  Had I ridden up a hill, I would have remembered.  I would have remembered that I can’t do hills on a bike.  Hills are my kryptonite.

I’m fit – I do cardio every single day.  I power walk – even up hills.  I could manage, I thought.  I tried to ‘tough it out’ and tackled the first hill.  My angina?  Started the third pedal up that fucker.  The second hill I got off the bike 3/4 of the way up.  The third I got off 1/2 way up…  The last major hill?  I started walking at the bottom but still had people thinking I might have a heart attack.  Apparently, I stumbled as I was just walking my bike.  Given that David was driving the babysitting pace truck behind me, I’m surprised that he didn’t load me into the back and escort me to the ER.

Coworkers looking at me all concerned.  “You’re looking a little green.  You okay?”  Is it so wrong of me to measure my achievements by successfully NOT having a heart attack? David says I should double check with my cardiologist about that.