My boobs aren’t supposed to be there.

So you know when you lie on your back in bed and your boobs nearly rest in your armpits?  What is that?   Remember when you were in your 20s and the girls were pert and perky and in their place?  It’s not like they’re National Geographic boobs now, but as I approach 45, they do have an udder-like quality to them that they didn’t once have.

I mean, sure, David’s not complaining, but then dudes don’t seem to mind what kind of shape the boobs are in… as long as they’re boobs, you know?

When I’m lying in bed, if I tilt to my left a bit, the right one is gorgeous – it faces the ceiling perfectly, but then the left one is actually IN my armpit.  If I move too far to the left, it’s like a scene from Titanic where EVERYTHING starts to slide.  Sometimes it’s fun just to flop back and forth to see what happens.  If you do it in water, you can almost create your own jacuzzi. Really, this as a perk.  I should market it.

You know what would be even better?  Prehensile breasts.  Breasts that could move on their own!  No woman would need a bra because the breasts would self-adjust to the perfect level!!!  There must be scientists out there working on this!  I’m afraid to google it though – there’d be some crazy-ass shit coming up in the search results.