I have been worshipping a false idol…

WARNING: This post is about… ahem… grown up toys

The Hitachi Magic Wand (insert angels’ chorus)

Several years ago, David got me a present.   The cadillac of  ‘personal massagers.’  Variations on this design have been used in adult entertainment since the 70s.  If you’ve seen an adult film, you’ve seen  this toy in use.  It is the best ‘personal massager’…   IN. THE. GALAXY. 

Sceptre-like in design – I truly feel like a queen while using it.  Surprising and adaptive, it is better than self-pleasuring,  it is like having intimate relations with another person.

You know how it is when you get any new toy.  You play with it a lot.  I played with it a lot.  Let’s just say that my hands would vibrate for a good half hour after I’d had some ‘relaxation time.’  You want to test out the toy’s limits.  You know, for scientific purposes.

Dear Diary, today I saw the face of God 12 times.  

I love my Hitachi Magic Wand.  LOOOOOOOOOVE it.  Used it so much, I felt a little guilty.  Like I was maybe cheating on David.  I’d go to bed when David was still working and by the time he joined me I was in a sated puddle of bliss, still clutching my sceptre, my entire body vibrating.  He’d try to pry it from my hands and I’d offer my best Charleton Heston,  “FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS!!!”

Thing is (why does there always seem to be a ‘thing’)…  I think I might have uh, drowned my… man in the boat.  The Magic Wand is a powerful toy.  I can only use the low speed.  The high speed would have me clawing the ceiling fan, screaming hysterically.  But here’s the sad but truthful news folks: physical pleasure with the Magic Wand, though SPECTACULAR, has meant that physical pleasure without it, is harder to attain.  The lady bits get over-stimulated, making it harder to achieve the big bang sans regal sceptre.  The same way that watching porn for guys gives them unrealistic stimuli, thereby making the sexual act more difficult to enjoy with an actual live partner, so too does the Magic Wand accustom a lady’s lady bits to expect a level of stimulation that is nigh on impossible to achieve with regular body parts.  Basically, I’ve been screwed.  Figuratively and literally.

So please, I beg, heed my warning ladies.  Though you will want to spend all your time with your new toy – DON’T.  If you use it as your ‘go-to’ for too long – your body will begin to shut down.  Give the sceptre a rest – spend some hands-on time instead – your lady bits will thank you for it.  And even better, it won’t take your partner 45 minutes to get you anywhere close to blast-off, which means that you’d still have time to watch another episode of something on Netflix.