SUPER SPINATUS!!!

Or at least that’s what I thought the physiotherapist said it was.  It’s actually SuPRAspinatus.  Supra – Latin for above and Spinatus from the Latin ‘spina’ which means thorn – which really has nothing to do with the spine, other than the vertabrae to which the muscle attaches look kind of spiny I guess, but that’s only if you’re looking at the actual bones of the spine – which begs the question, were those Romans looking at peoples’ spines – like outside of their skin?  When did that sort of thing start happening?  Who was the first guy to think “I know, let’s cut this person open and look at all their bony bits?”  Course that would have been in Latin so it would have been more like – “Scio, quis sit iste interficiam aperire et vide omnia frena suis ossea,” but I guess WAY back when, when those Romans were naming things they got sort of literal.  But me? I’m sticking with SUPER SPINATUS – it makes me feel like Super Grover.

Your SUPER SPINATUS is the top muscle in your rotator cuff.  Mine is angry. It got pissed off about a month ago and apparently, when one continues to use said muscle, it’ll say FUCK YOU and just decide to stop working.  What’s truly sad is that I didn’t even really injure it doing anything.  I felt a wee twinge one night doing some pushups.  And it’s not like I decided one night Hey!  I know!  I’m going to do 100 pushups and completely fuck up my body! after having not attempted them in decades.  That’s not what happened.  I worked up to it – you know, gradual-like.  I went the girly pushup route for a while – then I did half and half – then I was doing 10 full-on pushups every night before bed.  Whereupon, one night, I had a small twinge and then a few nights later that twinge became more aggressively ouchy. Now I’m going to have to lie and invent some shit and say that I fell dramatically or did it bungy jumping – I can’t say that my body can’t handle 10 measly pushups.  I was so proud of those pushups.  What has happened to my body that doing 10 freaking pushups can put me out of commission?

So here’s where I started to fuck up a bit.  Once the pain started, I didn’t really stop using the arm. The twinges started and I just figured that I’d move through it.  I will admit that was an error on my part.  I was lifting things and holding things and high-fiving things and by the time I got to my physiotherapy appointment yesterday, my shoulder was an achy mass of irritated muscle – even when it was hanging limply by my side.

Then, when you’re recounting your behaviours over the past couple of weeks to the physiotherapist it becomes clear that you’ve been an idiot.  And not just ’cause you can see the look of disappointment on the physiotherapist’s face, but because you realize, in your own brain, that you’re a complete moron and that your body does not bounce back the way it used to when you were younger.  And everything that they tell you makes complete sense and would be the recommendation that you’d give to your friend the next time that they injure their SUPER SPINATUS.  So now, as I hold my elbows into my body as I’m typing and thrust my shoulders back to improve my posture every time the tape pulls (the tape that the physiotherapist has placed on my back to remind me to sit up straight) I know that it is my own stupidity that will have me visiting the physiotherapist twice a week for the next couple of months. 

One good thing to come out of this adventure is that I get to be stoned for awhile, you know, until the swelling goes down.  Like right now?  I’m totally stoned on Aleve.  The good thing – strike that – the GREAT thing about having my particular body chemistry is that naproxen can make me loopy.  So can 1/2 a glass of wine.  Mix ’em together and you’ve got a really happy Heather Bunny.  But don’t. Seriously.  Drugs and alcohol don’t mix kids.  Even better?  I don’t have to do exercises yet.  I LOVE this physiotherapist. I have damaged myself so much that it’s probably going to take a week or two to take the swelling down.  I’m sure that after that, when I’ve gotten to know Jeremy really well over the next few months I’ll be cursing him when I eventually have to do exercises, but for now?  I just get to lie on the table and let him ultrasound me.  Yeah, that’s right.  I’m getting ultrasounded.  And while he’s ultrasounding my shoulder I know he’s thinking Man, for someone who is 45 her shoulder is freaking hot.