My boobs are growing.

Is one of the by-products of peri-menopause bigger boobs?  Because I’m pretty sure that my boobs are growing.  Swear to God.  I feel like I have pregnant boobs.  I’m ALL boobs.  I look in the mirror and they’re just… there…  I mean really, there.  Like  KAPOW there!!   I walk into the room and they get there a few seconds before I do.

They feel… more… substantial.  And they’re more, well, sensitive. Like in the nipppular and sidal regions.  Which is how they were when I was pregnant, and seeing as I just finished my period – I know that that’s not the case, so what’s the deal?  Anyone?   Anyone???

On the 34 symptoms of menopause site (which is really a misnomer – because menopause really means that you’ve ended all that shit – it should be peri-menopause.  It’s like nauseous and nauseated.  Everyone says nauseous, but that means that it causes nausea in others – so if you say “I’m feeling nauseous” that really means that you’re making other people want to throw up.  The word you want is nauseated – that’s when you want to throw up.)  (Another by-product of peri-menopause is irritability – with small things – like improper word usage.)

So… two years ago, when I went to the 34 symptoms of menopause site, I checked off 18 of them.  Now I have 30 of them. Once I fill my peri-menopause card do I get a prize?

Heather, you’ve just won an all-expenses-paid vacation for 12 to… HAWAII!!!! 

I’d love to go to Hawaii.  After I’ve hit menopause.  If I went now, the heat and humidity would drive my irritability levels through the freaking stratosphere.  And the volcanoes – those would piss me off.  And the heat of the sun…  Safer for everyone if I go then.   Then I’d be able to lounge around in bright floral caftans with large floppy sun hats – because apparently after menopause you turn into an elderly Floridian woman.

“Bernie!  Bernie!  I said 3 olives in the martini!  THREE you bastard!”