When Cats ATTACK!
THE CHARACTERS
Steve – An orange Tom cat – goofy, playful, more than a little bit dumb
Lola – A very petite black cat – nervous, silly, terrified if you pick her up.
Minuit – A rotund, older black cat – crotchety, belligerent, sounds like Edward G. Robinson
Heather & David – unsuspecting humans
***
INT. KITCHEN
STEVE
Hey guys! Guys! there’s a cat in
our back yard. Hey GUYS!!
LOLA
Hmmmm?
(returns to licking her stomach bald)
(returns to licking her stomach bald)
MINUIT
“M…YEAH.”
STEVE
Seriously, guys! Super cute cat in
the backyard – she’s black and white
and kind of stripey…
the backyard – she’s black and white
and kind of stripey…
LOLA sneaks a peek over STEVE’S shoulder at the window. She sees the outdoor cat, then looks at STEVE
LOLA
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?
STEVE
Hunh?
LOLA (hissing)
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?
HOW DID YOU GET IN MY HOUSE?!?
HOW DID YOU GET IN MY HOUSE?!?
STEVE
Lola, it’s me – Steve – your brother.
LOLA
(growling and hissing at Steve)
GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!!
(growling and hissing at Steve)
GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!!
HOME INVASION!!! THERE’S A HOME
INVASION HAPPENING RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!!!
LOLA hits STEVE on the head several times and runs away.
MINUIT
(now growling and hissing at Lola)
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?
STEVE
Hey guys? Guys?
MINUIT & LOLA
HOME INVADER!!!!
Lola runs up the stairs, followed closely by a snarling, unexpectedly-nimble Minuit.
INT. HUMAN’S BEDROOM
MINUIT
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?
LOLA
I’m your sister!
MINUIT
I’VE NEVER SEEN YOU IN MY
FUCKING LIFE!!!
LOLA
(hiding under the bed)
(hiding under the bed)
Minuit, I’m your sister!
MINUIT
GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HOUSE!!
GET OUT!!!
HEATHER & DAVID
(startled out of deep sleep)
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
MINUIT
HOME INVADER!!!
LOLA
YOU’RE THE FUCKING HOME INVADER!!!
STEVE
Hey guys! Guys? GUYS. It’s all good.
We’re good here.
We’re good here.
MINUIT & LOLA
HOME INVADER!!!!
HEATHER
Minuit – STOP IT!!! Lola – get out from
under the bed – jump up on something high. She can’t
follow you if you’re up on something high.
Minuit! It’s Lola. Steve, just stay
out of their way.
Snarling and hissing, all three cats leave the room.
DAVID
What just happened?
INT. CAT THERAPIST’S OFFICE
STEVE
It was like I was Captain America and they
were both Bucky. They didn’t know me. They
could see me, but they didn’t know me.
