It’s wrong to threaten the Canada Revenue Agency. Right?

So you know how, when you have to go through Customs, even if you aren’t smuggling anything you get all freaked out and start to wonder, “Hey!  Maybe I DO have a condom full of cocaine in my lower intestinal tract”?   Every single time we get a letter from the Canada Revenue Agency I lose my freaking mind.

David gets a letter.  I think that I actually read it before I start freaking out.  On first glance it seems like we haven’t paid the crazy-ass thousands of dollars in taxes David owed last year.   And seeing as I have a distinct memory of making an online payment of crazy-ass thousands of dollars, I panic a titch.  We don’t have that extra cash in our savings any more.  I know that because I’d paid bills the other day and saw how little money we had in our accounts.  My chest starts to hurt.

“What’s going on?” David asks as he sees me hyperventilating as I go through his tax statements.

“I can’t find it!  I CAN’T FIND IT!!!“

“Can’t find what?”

“The… the… the RECEIPT!!  The… proof!!  The,” I claw for the word in my brain.  “CONFIRMATION!!!  I CAN’T FIND THE CONFIRMATION!  WE’RE GOING TO GO TO JAIL!!!

“What are you talking…?”

“HAH!”  I brandish my online  confirmation.  “We DID!  We DID pay it!  See here?”  I wave the confirmation in David’s face.  “See that?  We paid them ALL this money!  I’m going to call them and give them a piece of….”  I stop talking when I look at the piece of paper from the CRA again.

“What?”  What is it?”

“I think this is for this coming year.  It says 2013.  This is an Instalment Reminder.  Is Instalment actually spelled this way?  Do Americans spell it with two ‘l’s??

“Focus.”

“We’re supposed to pay instalments because our taxes were so high last year.  Oh God!  It says that we need to pay $6,325.00 on September 15th!!  We don’t have $6,325.00!  We just gave all our credit money to the roofers!  Where are we going to find…?”  I roll my shoulders back, trying to relieve the pressure in my chest.  This is not angina, this is NOT angina.

I  frantically read over the sheet again. Your options for paying your tax by instalments are:

1.  two payments of fucking ridiculous amounts of money that we have calculated for you.
2.  3/4 of 2012, blah-de-fucking-blah, makes no fucking sense plus CPP and EI on this date and then 1/4 on this date.
3.  Even more incomprehensible tax jargon that means we might have to sell
   our only daughter into slavery to meet the September 15th deadline. 

Three options, all of which are a lot of money and had a first payment of September 15th.  I try to catch my breath.  I look at the document again, I must be missing something.  I start again – looking from the very top of the document.

There it is at the top-top part at the top of the document – the one in big-ass bold letters:

This instalment reminder was issued to you because you MAY BE required to pay income tax by instalments in 2013.

Do you have to pay tax by instalments in 2013? 
If your net tax owing for 2013 will be $3,000 or less ($1,800 or less if you live in Quebec), you DO NOT have to pay tax by instalments in 2013, and you can disregard this reminder.

“You can disregard this reminder !!!  WE CAN DISREGARD THIS REMINDER!!!”  I slump to the floor.  “Those tax bastards!!  Those Canada Revenue Agency tax bastards!  They couldn’t put this information in a box and bold it ALL?  Why wasn’t the DO NOT in bold?!?  Don’t they know that I spent my entire day in front of the freaking computer and my eyes don’t work when I get home and finally look at personal stuff?  Don’t they KNOW that??   They seem to KNOW everything else!  They made me freak out!!  Who SENDS a letter like this?”

“So we don’t have to pay anything?”

“We don’t have to pay ANYTHING!!  ANYTHING!!!  You know why?”  My eyes stab at David accusingly.  “You know WHY???  Because you will have not been paid for ANY self-employed work last year and all your teaching pay will have been taxed super high and the CRA will then have to give US money!”  I panted after my rant.  “Oh crap!  They’re going to AUDIT us, aren’t they?  They are going to fucking audit us because you had to pay taxes in the last two years because of the self-employed work… No wait!!  WAIT!!  Maybe they won’t, because your employment income won’t really be that much different… it’ll…  it’ll…  be okay… it might… just be… okay…”

“Are you done now?”

“I think so.”

“We’re going out for dinner tonight.  I’m going to buy you alcohol.”