Monster Child

“My friends think I’m a monster,” says Rissa.

My spoonful of Rice Chex stops an inch from my mouth.  “Because why?”

“Because I don’t eat cereal.”

I shoot her a disbelieving glance before shoveling my cereal into my mouth.  I chew thoughtfully for a moment before swallowing.  Then I shake my head.  “I don’t get it.”

“Everybody eats cereal for breakfast,” she says.  “Everybody.  I’m like the only one who doesn’t.  They say ‘What do you eat?!?’  And I say ‘Toast.’  And they look at me like I’m crazy.  And even if I did eat cereal it’d be Raisin Bran, which NOBODY eats.  Cereal on its own is fine, but cereal with milk is… bluuuuuuuugghhhhhh.”  She shudders.   “It gets all wet and…”

“Oh yeah,” says David.   “Yeah…. (He too, shudders) bluuuuuuuugghhhhhh.“

“Every cereal – it happens to every cereal,” I say, the sense memory suffusing my very being.  I shovel in another still-crisp spoonful of Rice Chex before it disintegrates.

“Not Captain Crunch,”  says David.  “That cereal can lacerate your mouth after it’s been in milk for a full half hour.  I still have scars.”  I’m certain that he’s feeling out the roof of his mouth with his tongue.

“No, I’m thinking more of Shredded Wheat,” I say.  “You know.  You use your spoon to cut that little cross down the middle of it and you sprinkle brown sugar on it and then it’s a race from the time you pour the milk on it before it morphs into mushy paste.  You have about 30 seconds where it’s slightly moist but still somewhat crunchy.  I’m convinced that’s why I always eat my breakfast quickly because on a cellular level I’m afraid it’ll turn into mushy cereal paste.”

“I’m pretty sure cereal is just a North American thing” David postulates.

I give it a think.  “Yeah… I bet you the French don’t eat cereal – they probably baguette it all the way.  And the Swiss – they’re more granola types.”

Rissa perks up.  “Granola?  Like what you get on top of a yogurt parfait?”  She loves a yogurt parfait.

“Yes!  Exactly like that!  You can have that!  Then you can be all cosmopolitan and say, ‘I have granola with  Greek yogurt.’  And you can give them a high class glance over one shoulder and raise your eyebrows and know that your taste is far superior to theirs.”