Welcome to 50!
Dear Heather:
“We are writing to invite you to get checked for colon (bowel) cancer.” I’m sorry, you’re…? reads the sentence again... You’re inviting me to WHAT??
“After age 50, your risk of getting this disease goes up.” How much? How MUCH does it go up?? Could I get actual percentages here? Into what level of panic should I descend? And why have you BOLDED this text in your letter?!?
“The good news is that you can take steps to protect your health by doing an easy test called the fecal occult blood test (FOBT).” Fecal Occult Blood Test? OCCULT?!? Am I taking my poo and smearing it into a pentagram on the floor while I call up various demons from the Netherworld?
“The FOBT is a safe and painless cancer screening test that checks your stool (poop) for tiny drops of blood, which can be caused by colon cancer. You can do the test in the comfort and privacy of your own home, and it only takes a few minutes a day on three different days to complete.” Wait? Have enough people sent in three pieces of wood from actual stools that Cancer Care Ontario had to define what “stool” is?
“Get your free FOBT from your family doctor or nurse practitioner!”
Of course I had to Google it. There’s a handy-dandy video!
Another perk of turning 50? My friend Kelly got me this great book!
I immediately open it, eager to discover new things. Its pages are completely empty. “HAH! This is amazing! It’s a sex journal!”
“What? No! It’s a gag book! It’s empty! No sex after 50!” says Kelly.
“Gag book? You mean I’m not supposed to write all my post 50 sexcapades in here? I could invest in a fabulous sex pen!”
Tomato-Tomahto.