I’m bringing clumsy back
My adolescence was so much fun the first time around, I thought I’d give it another go. That’s me trying to pretend like I have any say in what’s happening now. It’s not so much a choice, as an involuntary action.
I’ve had a week folks. Oh, have I had a week. A week that’s transported me back through time to my eleventh year. (Although, to be frank, my clumsy has enjoyed several renaissances throughout my life – often hormonally related.)
CLUMSY 1
Enjoying leftovers. I’d made schnitzel with mashed potatoes the night before – this was lunch-time the day after. Delicious schnitzel all coated in gluten-free breadcrumbs and Parmesan cheese. I’d actually salivated while it was warming in the microwave. I got too excited. I ate too fast. The strength of my jaw was too great. I took a chunk of flesh out of the left side of my tongue that had me instantly weeping. I tried to let out a few colourful expletives, but they were garbled by my poorly functioning tongue.
“MU…ER …U…ER!! …EEET ER..FL…. EEEEEE…US!!!”
“What did you do?” David and Rissa chorus.
“I IT Y ONGUE!!”
I showed Rissa. She jumped back a step. “Uh… Mummy? That’s not good.”
“IT OT? Y? UH OES IT OO IKE?” I went to the mirror. I had flaps of skin hanging off the side of my tongue. (3 days later the already-forming scar tissue is a sight, let me tell you.)
CLUMSY 2
Putting cheques in the safe at work. This is usually a ZIP-BOOM task. Somehow between the ZIP and the BOOM I managed to slam the ring finger of my right hand in the door. I danced the pain dance for a good thirty seconds before even looking at it. Just the tip. Thank God it was just the tip. (Insert your own joke here.)
CLUMSY 3
Same day. I’m leaving work – actually on time for once. So proud of myself – I was going to get stuff done upon my return home. I reached for my jean jacket, did a matador’s cape flourish, throwing my hands up to catch the arms holes and … put my neck out.
Addendum
Unloading the dishwasher this morning, I attempted to cradle the cutlery tray in my arm when I stabbed myself in the boob with a paring knife. Blood loss is thankfully minimal.
I thought these things came in threes. Does that mean that I have two more in this grouping, or that I’m just an over achiever from the first grouping?
