Could be worse, could be mosquitoes

“HAWWWWWWWWCK-TUEY!! OH, GOD! PWAH!!“

Why I should be surprised, at this point, is mystifying. It happens every spring. It’s worse next to the lake. I KNOW this. Midges love the spring. They love the lake. Easy solution, Heather. DON’T walk by the lake.

“PAH!” I spit again. I breathe through my nose so that I don’t swallow the disust… “ARGH!” I breathe in too much. They’re now in my nose. And because I just took a panic breath, they’re now in my throat. “HAWWWWWWWWCK-TUEY!! PWAH!! PWAH!! PWAH!!!“

Clouds. Clouds of midges. Everywhere. Particularly at eye/ear/nose/mouth level. At face level, basically. “Oh, God! They’re in my eyes!”

If I were a toddler, they wouldn’t be at eye level. I drop to my knees. Can I crawl home from here? It’s a 12 minute walk, how long would it take to crawl? The logic centre of my brain kicks the panic to the curb. I wouldn’t have to crawl all the way home. I’d just have to crawl a block or so north, to get away from the water-loving little buggers. I glance above me at the swarm of midges and immediately dry heave.

Don’t be a wuss, Heather. They’re not mosquitos. You are not being bitten. They don’t have that horrendous mosquito whine. Bright Side: if you ingest enough of them, they might even be a protein source. I dry heave again.

What I really need is a bug bonnet. A nice, fashionable hat with mosquito netting. I might have to make one myself. All the ones I recall seeing don’t really make wandering upon bug-infested boardwalks seem enjoyable.

I sit my ass down on the boardwalk and take my phone out, searching for bug hats. It is immediately confirmed – the majority of bug hats are unattractive. Oooooh, there’s a turquoise one! That could make having to wear a bug hat more fun.

Wait.

What if the bugs are attracted to turquoise? I Google what colours mosquitoes are attracted to. (‘Cause, if I’m getting a bug hat, it should be for ALL the bugs.) There’s a Newsweek article from 2022* that comes up in my feed. Turns out, mosquitoes are attracted to red, orange, black and cyan. Not as attracted to green, purple, blue and white. Turquoise is probably out, then.

Also, mosquitoes first locate their prey, by smelling the carbon dioxide that humans expel. “Mosquitoes essentially smell a potential host first and then activate their visual senses to locate said host.” How does a person mask their production of CO2? If I were wearing a scuba tank, would that…? No, I’d probably still leave a trail of CO2. What about those fancy re-breathers that recycle the CO2 that you’re breathing?

Quick look online. The full-on rebreather sets are… minimum $5K. Plus $19.99 for the bug hat.

I switch to Amazon and find a package: vest to carry the cylinder, plus the rebreather itself – clocks in at around the $390 mark for low end. Plus $19.99 for a bug hat. That is totally doable. I could order it right now as I sit on the boardwalk.

A small part of me contemplates having it delivered to where I currently sit. I could send David a message to expect me home after I get the equipment. Or I could crouch-walk, waving my arms wildly while continuing not to breathe until I get a block north of the lake.

*Newsweek
Study Reveals Which Colors Mosquitoes Are Attracted to
Published Feb 08, 2022 at 1:33 PM EST
By Nick Mordowanec