I’m looking into the back yard. Big, fluffy snowflakes are falling… “It’s snowing!” “Seriously?” The rest of the household does not appear as thrilled with early spring snow. Strange though – it’s only snowing in our yard. “Wait, they’re not snowflakes – they’re not just falling down, they’re sort of moving in other directions. Moths? …
The stress of the 2016 Presidential election has my lower intestines in Stevedore Stopper knots. I’m not even American. The outcome of the election won’t really affect me as someone north of the 42nd. I mean, apart from all the anti-Hillary Republicans who are threatening to move to Canada should the Democrats win and the…
“Hor-ORRR-ork! Gaaaaaaag! Pwaaaa!” “You sound like you’re doing “Cool” – the vomit version,” says Rissa. * I’m brushing my teeth. Every morning, when I get to the brushing my tongue part, I can’t seem to get past my gag reflex. “Pwaaaaa!” I spit. “We’d need some added percussion for it though. It’d be like snap,…
David asks. “Hmmmm?” “The octopus sex. How long has it been going on?” “Cupping. It was cupping. There was no octopus involved.” “Are you sure? Evidence suggests otherwise.” “It was cupping.” “Cupping…?” “Suction cupping. At the massage appointment.” “She put suction cups on you.” He is appalled by this explanation. “May I remind you of…
“GAAAAAAAHHHH!!! HOLY MOTHER OF…!!!” I flap the dish towel in my panic. “What? What is it?” Rissa asks. “Treacherous insect!!” “What!?!” “Okay, so you know how when you said that there was a cobra in the kitty litter?” “I didn’t say there was a cobra in the kitty litter,” Rissa says, peeking around the corner…
“We need to kill all the cats.” “Huh?” I am lying on my side in bed, eyebrows so low that I can feel them on my upper lip. “WE. NEED. TO. KILL. ALL. THE. CATS.“ “You don’t mean that. You love the cats.” “4:45!“ “Hmmm?” “4 FUCKING 45 this morning Minuit with her fishy kibble…
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!” from Rissa downstairs. “What? What is it?” I bolt to the top of the stairs. “This! JUST. LOOK. AT. THESE. PICTURES!“ “What are you looking at!?!” “I signed up for the House Hippo Instagram feed…” Oh thank God… She hadn’t found any of those pictures… House Hippos AKA Skinny Pigs AKA Hairless Guinea Pigs. …
We thought we’d experienced ‘wet dog.’ We’d had a partial autumn with our new furry family member. But really? Present April showers make last November’s cold rain seem like puppy play. The wet dog stench, the splattered walls when you don’t get to him before he shakes, the muddy footprints… My grumbling mantra: “I will…
In our old house, which had six staircases (two to the basement, two to the 2nd floor, two to the attic), our three cats never laid across them. They never lolled, never reclined, never became a stair obstacle. Our new house with one staircase to the 2nd floor? Is the cat equivalent to the local…
I’m not sure what we do to them, but eventually, all cats in our household run galloping towards madness. We’ve had cats who spontaneously paralyze, suck on carpet and hiss at the doorbell. Since we moved to the new house, Lola – sveltest of our felines – is now attempting to change breeds – she…