I’m taking baby aspirin. In these wee, tiny, little pills – scattered amongst my morning vitamins. They seem so innocent and nothing at all like blood thinners. Recently, when I maybe, just perhaps, gouged compulsively into my inner thigh, digging for a covert ingrown hair (for the love of Eastern Block Estheticians, can we please…
I bought them. I know I did. I specifically got a container of the non-salted roasted almonds in the bulk section at the No Frills. I remember, because last time? I’d bought the salted roasted almonds and now as I’m trying to cut down on my salt intake, I picked up the non-salted kind. On…
Yesterday morning it was 16 degrees in our house. I met Rissa in the kitchen – she was bundled into her ginormous bathrobe, over which she had thrown on my down-filled winter coat. She was breathing on her hands to warm them. My first thought: Dear God, the boiler has given up the ghost, we’re…
I love my husband. I adore him. I do. He is the best spouse in the world. He buys me pre-emptive chocolate when he senses the arrival of my period, he tells me I’m beautiful, he gives a great orgasm. But he cannot vacuum for shit. Our house is still on the market. (Want a…
True peri-menopause is upon me. It has been 15 days since my last ride on the red roller coaster. 17 before that. 23 before that. Desperately seeking the silver lining while my body is reeking of blood… Perhaps this portends the end? Blessedly sooner than my worry of 60? It does explain my cravings for…
Anybody else craving salt? I feel like I could have a freaking salt lick and it wouldn’t be enough for me. I keep making “nom, nom, nom” noises when I pass the salt aisle at the grocery store. You know the one… chips, peanuts, popcorn, tortilla chips… I want to take the salt shaker and…
I open up the freezer, seeking concentrated orange juice. I’ve got a brutal cold and my body is craving the vitamin C. I am Stanley, looking for my Livingstone. This is one of those real adventures into the freezer. I lift things up. Sole filets from 2010, Freezies from when we moved to this house,…
I’ve been collecting David’s belly button lint. In the lip of my crystal ring holder. You know, just to see how much we can actually accumulate over the course of the year. David’s pretty hairy, so during the course of a regular day, his chest hair and “Happy Trail,” move the lint from inside a…
Shoot me now. Just put me out of my misery. Our house is on the market. My OCD is going into hyper drive. Our house cannot maintain ‘spotless’ – it really can’t. It’s like the opposite of a half-life. Our environment can remain clean/tidy for about 3.2 hours. It then reverts back to its natural…
My soy milk refuses to foam. It takes two failed foam attempts before I grab the tetra pack and double check the label. Low Fat Soy. Low Fat Soy does not foam. And not only does it NOT foam – it tastes like shit. I check the pantry – there are two more of the…