“Don’t show anyone your boobs online!” “Don’t type anything that you wouldn’t want your grandparents to see!!” I know her friends, they’re all good kids and maybe I’m worrying over nothing at this point, but my mind goes to these freaky places. You know the ones – where my tween daughter is pregnant and hooked…
I know that I know this… Give me a sec… Starts with a B maybe??? So lately, at least a 1/2 dozen times a day, I lose my nouns. Yesterday I couldn’t remember the word BANJO. I could see the thing in my mind, knew it was roundish on one end, that you play it…
Clumping cat litter? When it gets covered with a deluge of water? When you’re trying to get it off the floor with paper towels or scoop it up into a dust pan? VERY close, in consistency and appearance, to cat diarrhea. (quelling urge to vomit) Even though I KNOW that it’s NOT cat diarrhea, the…
So last night was the night before I’m the Matron of Honour in a wedding party. What time did I get to bed? 2:45 a.m. Not because I was partying beforehand at the rehearsal dinner. (Although I did see a friend totally kick ass in a drag king contest!!! Woo-hoo!) But I was home at…
Okay, seriously. Acne? I am 44 frickin’ years of age! I shouldn’t be getting any. Peri-Menopause is wreaking havoc with my skin!! I mean, COME ON!!! I know my period’s coming, but I don’t need any extra facial detailing at present. It’s right beside my mouth – the size of… of… I want to say…
This week I had a disproportionate emotional response to televised stimuli. I watched Bunheads. First off, I had been under the impression that the show was reality tv aimed at the ballerina set. Rissa is a bit of a dance fiend herself, so we PVR’d it and sat down to watch it together. Imagine my…
If you knew nothing about me other than the combination of pills I take in the morning, how old would you think I am? 70? 80? To be fair, most of them are pretty innocuous. Most of the pills are to up my immune-system so that the colds and flu that I used to suffer…
Perfect Bludgeoning Instrument So he found it. He found the note that said “crystal vase for bludgeoning.” He gave me an odd look. It made perfect sense when I wrote it down. I was putting away the vase after having washed the residue from Rissa’s dance recital flowers from its sides. This vase had some…
Yesterday, before heading into the backyard to weed everything that had the sheer mendacity to raise its head beyond the mulch, I sprayed my entire body with citronella. Every inch. And then, as a mosquito sexually assaulted me – sticking its nasty proboscis INTO my jaw – I realized – FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING…
Yes. I used to placate my mother when, in her 40s and 50s, she would say “Is it hot in here?” Our whole family would. My father, brother and I would say “PHEW!! Yes, MAN is it HOT! Steaming!!!” She was not amused, and she always said to me, “It’ll come back to haunt you,…