“Blergh.” “You okay love?” asks David solicitously. “Heat. Blergh. Sticky. Thighs… chafing…” “But you’re not even moving – your thighs can’t be chafing if you’re not moving.” “You’d think that would be the case, wouldn’t you? It’s because I’m just thinking of moving. My thighs, they know that I’m thinking of moving, and they’ve already…
You wake up in the morning and do the zombie shuffle to the bathroom. The light goes on; your ill-prepared eyes close – too much light, too soon. Your pasty mouth makes a smasking sound as you open and close it, you wonder what crawled in to die overnight. You stick out your tongue, making sure…
“Would you mind grabbing my phone from the Jeep?” asks my friend Meaghan, as she’s filling out some paperwork at the permits desk. “Sure, no problem,” I say. I head out to the parking lot towards her white Jeep SUV. Try the doors. Locked. Run back inside. “Keys. I’ll need the keys,” I say. “Oh,…
The rain is teeming down on this cool June day. You could take a picture out our back window and place it next to the word ‘torrential.’ In less than 2 hours I would be walking down the main street of a small Ontario town in early Canada Day Celebrations. “I so wish that I…
Leafing through Woman’s World while waiting at the vet’s office… Ad after ad after ad for drugs/products that spend the last 1/16th of their page on the small print. WARNING: may cause dizziness, nausea, itchiness, dry mouth, sneezing, anxiety, twitching, muscle aches, depression, seizures, anal leakage, loss of feeling in your left foot, temporary blindness,…
“AS SEEN ON TV!! IT’S THE VAGGETTI!!!” David does a double take. “Beg your pardon?” “Oh, wait… That’s VEG-getti.” “And that’s better because…?” “You stick vegetables in and out comes ‘pasta’.” “Vegetable pasta?” David shudders. “I was going to mock this mercilessly, but looking at it now, I would totally use it. Plus then we’d…
“Don’t shave them DRY!!” I gasp, horrified. “Ah, but my pits are youthful, Mama…” “Oh, I get it, and my pits are elderly, decrepit, crabby pits?” She shrugs and shaves her own dry armpits. “You’ve got to watch out for them though,” I say. “The hair in the elderly, decrepit, crabby pits is so strong…
“You’re telling me this is normal?” David asks. “Pardon?” I’m combing through my conditioned hair with my finger tips in the shower. I glance over at him. His face is the perfect combination of horror/disgust/concern. He directs my gaze to the shower wall, where I have been depositing my ‘extra’ hair. I shrug. “Relatively,” I…
“Who needs an eggroll??” I ask from upstairs. “A-PRIL! NOT EGGROLL MUMMY!!!” “Pardon??” “THERE WAS NO EGGROLL MENTIONED!” “My bad.” “Speaking of eggrolls,” says David. “Nice segue…” “Who’s up for seeing a movie after school?” “Age of Voltron?” I ask excitedly. “ULTRON, Mummy!” “Right ULTRON!” “There was a Voltron, you know,” says David. “It was…
“Are you done with this?” asks David as he holds up the scrubby sponge. “I am, thanks. If you wouldn’t mind putting it away.” He looks around all confuseled. “You don’t know where it lives, do you?” I ask. “Sure I do,” he says – gesticulating wildly – a vain attempt to distract from his…