David has been wanting to upgrade my computer for the past two years. About a month ago, I finally capitulated. “All right.” “All right?” “Start the search.” “The search for…? “A new computer.” “REALLY!?!” “Really.” I couldn’t take the endless UNRESPONSIVE SCRIPT warnings and time lags – which is hilarious, because anyone in their 40s…
I recently made the mistake of looking at the nutritional information on the President’s Choice “World’s Best” Eggnog. 1 cup = 290 calories. 290 CALORIES??? Without the rum?? Sure, on occasion, one might drink eggnog sans rum, but I don’t. Which means that I’ve gotta add that extra 72 calories for an ounce of rum. …
Self-control, why hast thou forsaken me? I know that I shouldn’t eat this shit. I know that. I’m a grown up, I’ve lived with my body for long enough to understand how it works. So….. WHY CAN’T I STOP MYSELF?? I’m going to hell. It’s the freaking holiday season, sending…
WARNING: This post might gross some readers out. “Mummy, I’ve got something that you can pop on my back,” says Rissa as she comes down the stairs. I leap up from my chair. “You do!?!” This is groundbreaking. Rissa rarely lets me anywhere close to Zit Country. I can usually see it only from the…
“Do you have that little carpenter’s level handy?” I ask. David looks over at me from his side of the bed. “Because why?” “Because I’m feeling pretty askew here,” I say looking down at my torso. My boobs are doing a great impersonation of a ship in distress – listing to the west. “We have…
I’m holding my hands to my face to hide my blushing cheeks. David shakes his head at me. “You are ridiculous.” “I can’t help it.” We’re watching The Good Wife. Finn Polmar has just flirted with Alicia Florrick. I feel it would be bad form to beg to rewind the scene… right away… with David…
“OH MY GOD,” says David. “G’aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh…” say I. “It’s SOOOOO good….” “Mmmmmmm…. hmmmmmmm,” I sigh. I move my legs. It is delicious. David gives a decidedly dirty chortle. “We need to do this more often.” “We are in complete agreement my love.” David makes the same noises he makes when he has his favourite hot…
“Wait! What did that sign just say?” Rissa asks as we careen around a corner as the rough gravel road turns even rougher, then strangely becomes less gravelly and more made of dirt and grass with a light covering of snow. “Dangerous: Unmaintained Road.” “What?!?“ “Use at your own risk.” “WHAT?!?” “It’s a short cut.”…
You see them in the lingerie departments of the Bay. You see them in the Sears catalogue. You have memories of your Gran or your Great-Gran wearing one. You think to yourself: I will never wear one of those. I’m shopping for one. I used to sleep naked. I used to revel in my naked…
Rage, all-encompassing RAGE. Because why? Because David left the peanut butter and honey out on the countertop. All-encompassing rage with a side of dockworker swearing. Because why? Because there are crumbs on the countertop. All-encompassing rage and swearing with a side of growling and hiccuping sobs. Because why? Because there are not one, not two,…