I bought them. I know I did. I specifically got a container of the non-salted roasted almonds in the bulk section at the No Frills. I remember, because last time? I’d bought the salted roasted almonds and now as I’m trying to cut down on my salt intake, I picked up the non-salted kind. On…
This is NOT me eating something bad for me.. To chocolate. And salty foods. And apparently Rusty Nails… My healthful ingesting self-control seems to be at an all-time low. What the hell is wrong with me? And what am I eating now? Chocolate covered pretzels. They were a gift. How was the gifter to know…
True peri-menopause is upon me. It has been 15 days since my last ride on the red roller coaster. 17 before that. 23 before that. Desperately seeking the silver lining while my body is reeking of blood… Perhaps this portends the end? Blessedly sooner than my worry of 60? It does explain my cravings for…
When did I start having these crazy-ass hand veins? How did that happen?!? I’m 44 with the hands of a grandmother. I want to raise my hands above my heart so that all the blood rushes from them and I can pretend they are still young and pretty and not all blue and bulgy and…
Anybody else craving salt? I feel like I could have a freaking salt lick and it wouldn’t be enough for me. I keep making “nom, nom, nom” noises when I pass the salt aisle at the grocery store. You know the one… chips, peanuts, popcorn, tortilla chips… I want to take the salt shaker and…
Have I pissed off some ancient Fertility Goddess? Did I poop on Hera’s cornflakes? Forget to return Mama Quilla’s call? Accidentally take Nim-inna’s name in vain? ‘Cause it’s only been 17 days. SEVENTEEN FREAKING DAYS!! It’s stress. It’s got to be. I mean, I forgot to take my special herbal cyclical-extension remedy pill once last…
…AKA a box of Timbits. I’m not supposed to eat Timbits. They’re full of gluten and sugar and everything that can push me to edge of a sugar coma. But when they’re on a table, right in front of a gal? And when you haven’t had a snack? And when you’re in the middle of…
We had plans. Last weekend we were going to get naked. We were going to waggle our eyebrows suggestively. We were going to get sweaty from the ‘bouncy-bouncy.” We had plans. You know what David and I ended up doing? Having an Epsom Salts bath and collapsing into separate sleep comas. We spent our Saturday…
My soy milk refuses to foam. It takes two failed foam attempts before I grab the tetra pack and double check the label. Low Fat Soy. Low Fat Soy does not foam. And not only does it NOT foam – it tastes like shit. I check the pantry – there are two more of the…
WARNING: CYCLICAL FEMININE CONTENT Me in the bathroom, minding my own business, just peeing… I thought. Until I go to wipe and… “WHAT THE?!? It can’t have been 23 days! I just had it!!” I rush to the calendar in the kitchen and count from my last Red Sharpie-circled days. I am right on schedule. …