Remember your first bra? That verging on A cup, training bra? This clothing item had two purposes: to mask breast buds and to serve as a horizontal bulls-eye for the boys in grade 5 who seemed to make it their life’s work to SNAP the back of that sucker as soon as they glimpsed it underneath…
I have been taken in by British department store John Lewis. I didn’t even know that John Lewis existed before today, and now here I am tearing up – TEARING UP – at an animated commercial. Albeit an animated commercial that celebrates Christmas with woodland animals all to a lovely soundtrack by Lily Allen, but…
Oh yeah, I’m on the cutting edge… On my way home yesterday, it became apparent that I could never be one of those kids who wears his pants half-way down his ass. As I was cutting through the Via Rail parking lot, I could feel the waistband of my tights begin to give. I’ve had…
Courting trouble When I was younger, I did things… I courted trouble. I was the brash girl with the great rack who wasn’t afraid to use words or breasts to my advantage. Back in the day, I faked my Driver’s License with green liquid paper, a fine-tipped pen and a steady hand. I shop-lifted bad…
For all you parents dropping off your children (of all ages) at school this week… an excerpt from More Work Than a Puppy (or what your mother never told you about procreation). I was told by the mother of a university-aged daughter that I’d missed an important demographic. I added this particular monologue in 2005 with a…
There were two girls, seven, maybe eight years old, on the sidewalk a couple of blocks ahead of us. They had a stick. They were moving something onto the road with the stick. Having walked down the road earlier that day, I knew that the thing they were moving into the road was a dead…
Edith Vonnegut’s Sunblock I can burn after 2.5 minutes of sun exposure. This is not hyperbole. The sun in 2013 is different than when I was a kid. Sure I used to burn if I went completely without sunblock, but it wasn’t in 2.5 minutes, I can tell you that. I lived in California for…
Sometimes a birthday reaches perfection. First off, the weather gods heard my plea and took away the humidity which really helped with my wanting to murder those around me. David and Rissa made me breakfast and gave me these birthday cards: David’s card made me weepy when I read it. He wrote “I’m Always aiming…
Poohsticks from A. A. Milnes’ The House at Pooh Corner. Illustration by E.H. Shepherd We played Poohsticks last weekend. We had to be careful, and not cross the bridge willy-nilly on account of the fact that, for a small country road in Lanark County, there’s a lot of traffic. David, Rissa and I gathered…
Protecting the masses from my nipples. NOT because I was all het up. But because it was 12 freaking degrees in our house. We got home from a weekend visiting my parents and walked into a house where I’m pretty sure I could see my breath. And, as a direct consequence, my breasts. Well,…