Leafing through Woman’s World while waiting at the vet’s office… Ad after ad after ad for drugs/products that spend the last 1/16th of their page on the small print. WARNING: may cause dizziness, nausea, itchiness, dry mouth, sneezing, anxiety, twitching, muscle aches, depression, seizures, anal leakage, loss of feeling in your left foot, temporary blindness,…
“AS SEEN ON TV!! IT’S THE VAGGETTI!!!” David does a double take. “Beg your pardon?” “Oh, wait… That’s VEG-getti.” “And that’s better because…?” “You stick vegetables in and out comes ‘pasta’.” “Vegetable pasta?” David shudders. “I was going to mock this mercilessly, but looking at it now, I would totally use it. Plus then we’d…
“Don’t shave them DRY!!” I gasp, horrified. “Ah, but my pits are youthful, Mama…” “Oh, I get it, and my pits are elderly, decrepit, crabby pits?” She shrugs and shaves her own dry armpits. “You’ve got to watch out for them though,” I say. “The hair in the elderly, decrepit, crabby pits is so strong…
“Would you like to see a puppet show?” asks Rissa as we travel into Toronto on the GO Train. “YES!” David and I encourage enthusiastically. Rissa clears her throat and reaches into her bag. “TA-DAH!!!” She flourishes two Compak Tampons in their wrappers – one purple, one yellow. Holding them vertical, she presents them to…
Feeling down? In a funk? Is your life a great honking pile of crap? In your circle of friends/family you must know one child in pre-ballet class. It’s spring. It’s the end of recreational classes. Find a dance recital. I can guarantee that upon viewing a pre-ballet recital, your mood will improve. There will…
“You’re telling me this is normal?” David asks. “Pardon?” I’m combing through my conditioned hair with my finger tips in the shower. I glance over at him. His face is the perfect combination of horror/disgust/concern. He directs my gaze to the shower wall, where I have been depositing my ‘extra’ hair. I shrug. “Relatively,” I…
WARNING: Feminine issues discussed “Are you FREAKING kidding me?” “What? What is it?” David looks into the bathroom from the hallway. He finds me on the toilet, scowling downward. I shoot him a look. “Seriously?” he asks. “Didn’t you just…?” “Yes. Yes I DID just… It’s been almost two full weeks – off and on.”…
WARNING: REAL LIFE IS DISCUSSED In 1979, my mother attended a parent council meeting in Kingston, Nova Scotia. The topic: SEX EDUCATION. (Gasp!) The community was up in arms – what were they going to be teaching our kids?? If you teach kids about sex, all they’ll want to do is try it for themselves!!…
“Who needs an eggroll??” I ask from upstairs. “A-PRIL! NOT EGGROLL MUMMY!!!” “Pardon??” “THERE WAS NO EGGROLL MENTIONED!” “My bad.” “Speaking of eggrolls,” says David. “Nice segue…” “Who’s up for seeing a movie after school?” “Age of Voltron?” I ask excitedly. “ULTRON, Mummy!” “Right ULTRON!” “There was a Voltron, you know,” says David. “It was…
“Are you done with this?” asks David as he holds up the scrubby sponge. “I am, thanks. If you wouldn’t mind putting it away.” He looks around all confuseled. “You don’t know where it lives, do you?” I ask. “Sure I do,” he says – gesticulating wildly – a vain attempt to distract from his…