“You’ve what?” asks Rissa, slightly laggy on her end of the video call. “Who have you been talking to? What did you do?” “Nothing,” I say. “I think it’s just my age.” “It’s what? What do you mean it’s your age?” “I think you just get to a certain age and…” “You think there are…
This is the week. It’s the week that I bought a high-end bird feeder so that I can watch the birds from my kitchen window and I discovered that, from the side, I have jowls. And then, as I headed to Shoppers Drug Mart to replace my bottle of Women 50+ multi-vitamins, I realized that…
As I’m writing, I know exactly the word I want to use. It means getting up, but in a sexy, Regency romance kind of way. Sort of like unbending, something akin to having a sexy lap. The word itself? Not a fucking clue. Any of you know what the word is? Wordhippo did not immediately…
When we moved into our house 7 years ago, there wasn’t a master bedroom closet. Oh, there had been a closet, but it’d been situated in the room such that it blocked all the light from one of the two existing windows. So we’d ripped out that illumination obliterating monstrosity. In its place…? There was…
I come down this morning – all ready to bite into the meat of the day. Wait. That sounds revolting. All revved up and ready to go?? Bright eyed and bushy tailed? Better? Worse? Or just more like a lemur? While heading into the kitchen to make myself some breakfast, I notice that we did…
“MOTHERFUCKER!” I exclaim vehemently (and quietly – because I’m in the backyard and our adjacent neighbours have kids and I don’t want them to start randomly yelling MOTHERFUCKER, and then attributing it to the middle-aged, crazy woman whose backyard abuts theirs.) “What?” asks David, looking up from his computer programming on the outdoor sofa “This,”…
WARNING: There are bad words in this post. * * * * * * “SHIT, PISS, FUCK, MOTHER FUCKER!!!” I yell, nausea washing over me. I have spent the last 60 minutes painstakingly placing, pinning, and subsequently sewing together the edges of outdoor fabric to a recycled zipper only to just now discover that the ends of…
“That will be $232.31 – would you like to use your $10 reward from your PC points?” says the teenager cashier at No Frills. “I’m sorry it was HOW much?” “$232.31.” “Yes. Yes, I would like to use my $10 in reward points.” I say as calmly as I can, while inside my head I…
Is mole DNA similar to rabbit DNA? And by “mole” I mean a mole on your face or body, and by rabbit I mean literal fucking rabbits. If you have two moles on your face, do their melanocytes then multiply exponentially like the proverbial rabbit? Is my face now a Ponzi Scheme? Last year I…
“Yes. I will,” says Rissa. “Thank you.” “You are elderly.” “Runh?” “Ma, you’re showing all the signs.” “I’m 52!” “Do you, or do you not implement fall prevention measures?” “Yes, but that’s for the ear thing…” “Is that a bowl of hard candies on the counter?” “Yes…” “How many pills do you take each day?”…