“We need to kill all the cats.” “Huh?” I am lying on my side in bed, eyebrows so low that I can feel them on my upper lip. “WE. NEED. TO. KILL. ALL. THE. CATS.“ “You don’t mean that. You love the cats.” “4:45!“ “Hmmm?” “4 FUCKING 45 this morning Minuit with her fishy kibble…
WARNING: THERE IS BAD LANGUAGE IN THIS POST “Shit-Piss-Fuck-Mother-FUCKER!!” “What? What is it?” David asks, his interest now piqued. “This fucking touchpad!” “Okay, steady on there, my love.” “You fucking steady on – JUST LET ME FUCKING HIGHLIGHT THE FUCKING SENTENCE!!!“ “O…KAY… It’s time to take your hand off the touchpad.” “I HATE IT. I…
Every January it’s the same. After a holiday season filled with my mother’s impossible-to-resist butter tarts, whipped shortbread and banana-cherry slice; after the boxes of Turtles, bars of Toblerone and Chicago Mix popcorn – I’m basically fucked. How is it that I make it through the first part of December relatively unscathed, only to then…
I fucked it all up last January. That was when I had a sore throat that turned into the flu, that turned into bronchitis which knocked me on my ass for about two months and instead of pushing through as I usually would, I actually rested. Mostly on account of the fact that after walking…
WARNING: I USE BAD WORDS IN THIS POST Fuck peri-menopause. FUCK IT!!! I do my best, I really do, I try to find the silver fucking lining to pretty much everything, but COME ON!!! I am sitting here drenched as I type. Because why? Because I had fucking Chinese food! Apparently MSG can trigger hot…
“I’m going to have a quick shower!” I say, heading up the stairs. “O….kay…” This from David in the kitchen, his tone oddly sarcastic. “Pardon?” I say – ducking down to catch his eye. “Nothing,” he shrugs before smiling falsely. The temperature in the room has dropped about 15 degrees. “Is something going on?” I…
“Would you mind grabbing my phone from the Jeep?” asks my friend Meaghan, as she’s filling out some paperwork at the permits desk. “Sure, no problem,” I say. I head out to the parking lot towards her white Jeep SUV. Try the doors. Locked. Run back inside. “Keys. I’ll need the keys,” I say. “Oh,…
Rage, all-encompassing RAGE. Because why? Because David left the peanut butter and honey out on the countertop. All-encompassing rage with a side of dockworker swearing. Because why? Because there are crumbs on the countertop. All-encompassing rage and swearing with a side of growling and hiccuping sobs. Because why? Because there are not one, not two,…
I always had a sneaking suspicion that I’d go crazy – I just didn’t know that it would hit me quite this young. I am 46 years old and my mind has already begun the descent into madness. Not only that – I’m watching it board the CRAZY TRAIN, don Groucho Marx glasses (with nose)…
Ironing left-handed is akin to learning to ride a unicycle, but I’m pretty sure this hobble-shouldered old dog can learn new tricks. Cursing and taking double the time to actually get clothes wrinkle-free – but 20 minutes later, the shirt’s relatively smooth. TAH-DAAAAH!!!! Until the iron falls, spilling water everywhere, and I reach for it…