During renovations, in a desperate attempt to control the visual chaos of my environment, I’ve lost my mind. I’ve gone round the bend folks. My obsession this week? Ensuring that, when I open the shower curtain, all the shampoo, conditioner and body wash bottles complement one another. Hello Ma’am, we’ve got a lovely little jacket…
WARNING: THERE IS DISCUSSION OF FEMALE ISSUES IN THIS POST. Sam Brown, explodingdog.com My camel did not make it. It had been days since he’d died. I found myself trudging through the desert, my skin burning, sand in my throat… Hot wind blowing around me, almost through me. I could feel sand on my…
It seems like such a good idea when I’m lying in bed staring at the ceiling. I look up at the outline of where the closet had been. I see the damage of the torn-asunder drywall plugs – the drilled screw holes, the decimated drywall. Why had it been bothering me so much? Yes, there…
He’d suddenly gone all grumpy. We were installing the chrome cup pulls in the kitchen and by ‘we,’ I mean him – ’cause he was hogging all the tools. He had two drills, two screwdrivers and was hoarding all the bolts. I had a cardboard template of the new cup pull and a pencil. I…
Certain things become apparent only AFTER you have moved into your new home. It comes down to this: Love is blind. When you fall in love with your new place, its character, its quaintness, its nooks and crannies – you have blinders on. With these ‘in love’ blinders, you can see no faults. It is…
I’d been holding back the hypervintilation for most of the morning. I’d stepped over and around things – did the Stanley meeting Livingstone in my bedroom as I finally located a pair of tights, pried open the vanity drawer that didn’t have its handle, because it STILL needs another coat of paint before the handle…
A buck, a doe and a fawn stand in the headlights of an oncoming Mack truck. Our family took possession of the new house on March 4th. By the next day, we had broken it. 8:00 p.m. Wednesday, after spending 12 hours demolishing things, I stood at the entrance to the common bathroom and started…
If you have to paint 20 kitchen cupboard doors with space to dry only 8 flat at a time, and each door needs to be primed with super-adherent primer that must have 2-4 hours drying time before covering the cupboards (back and front) with at least two coats of furniture paint, and if the furniture…
I will be unstable for the next 7.5 weeks. I give you all fair warning. Do NOT tease me. Not now. In fact, do not tease me for the next 7.5 weeks. Treat the next 7.5 weeks as if I am hormonally unbalanced. I am very fragile. It ain’t hormones – it’s house. We…
Now I doubt my intelligence and smell like cat shit. Yes it’s kitty litter day. And every single time I forget that I should be doing this job in a HAZMAT suit so that I don’t reek of cat. I should have kitty litter clothes. I have painting clothes – the ones that I wear…