We recently went to a wedding. At this wedding there were many young, beautiful couples – years, perhaps dozens of years, younger than us. We were seated with one of these couples. They were hip and happening and ‘NOW.’ But they sure as shit didn’t know how to kiss. I watched this beautifully coiffed and…
It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon. I was driving into Toronto to see a friend’s show. I had Q107.1 on (the home of classic rock) – it was Psychedelic Sunday and a Beatles A-Z weekend. The tunes were stellar. I made sure I checked the highway update signs all the way along my route. …
Lesley has chicks. Baby chicken-type chicks. In her house. Four adorable balls of feathery fluff. I can barely contain my “squeeeee” of joy within the confines of my head. I have picked them all up – pressed them against my cheek. They are fluffy yellow examples of the perfection of our universe. I just found…
I have hallucinations during the night. The hallucinations generally centre around the ceiling fan in our bedroom. The fan turns into a starfish, an alien life-form or a hobbled octopus missing three legs. The other night it was a Robotic Spider. Matrix-like in its design, with cameras in its abdomen – massive eyes, whirring noise,…
Way back when… you know, in the Stone Age… when David and I first got together… We had the best foreplay. We did. It was amazing. We’d snuggle on the couch, as close as two people could be without actually being conjoined, sigh and smile… our hands touching, our minds of a single purpose. Everything…
“Pass me the scalpel,” I say. “No,” says David. “Please?” “No.” “Don’t you even want to know what it’s for?” “No.” “I’m not going to use it for anything bad.” “You’re going to cut into your body right?” “Well, yeah, but just…” “And it’ll probably be near an important artery, right?” “I would completely avoid…
I must have been on crack when I thought I could do it. I agreed to ride with actual bike riders who ride many, many kilometers. For fun. I was being ‘one of the gang,’ I was supporting a cause. I was out of my freaking mind. When I think of bike riding in the…
My name is Heather and I am an underwear addict. I have over 67 pairs of underwear. Which, when you looking at it from a less compulsive consumerist way, means that I can NOT do laundry for more than 2 months!!! I counted them as I was trying to squirrel away the freshly laundered undergarments…
I am an archer. My arms stretch in opposing directions, pulling the nylon. But unlike the Olympic bulls-eye 229 feet away, my target is closer. The nylon/spandex thong in my hands is pulled near-to-tearing so that I may circumnavigate my hips. I’m Magellan! Boy shorts don’t cause this problem. Boy shorts squoosh everything into…
David recently treated me to a romantic weekend away in the big city. He planned it all. We stayed in a hotel. We had fancy dinners. He even packed for me. He organized (ahem) activities. And by activities I mean… SEX… and lots of it, without your child’s ears in close proximity. In fact, having…