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The Humpback near the Cenotaph

I swear I was not being intentionally disrespectful. I just couldn’t take it any more. Earlier in the day: “Hoorah! I have received my shipment of Humpback Posture Correctors!!” (There’s a sentence every woman wants to utter.) It’s been a process folks. After having purchased 6 different styles of posture correctors – each of which…

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MOLES? We don’t need no stinking MOLES!

Is mole DNA similar to rabbit DNA? And by “mole” I mean a mole on your face or body, and by rabbit I mean literal fucking rabbits. If you have two moles on your face, do their melanocytes then multiply exponentially like the proverbial rabbit? Is my face now a Ponzi Scheme? Last year I…

I think I broke him

“Have you ever wanted to buy me a special outfit?” I ask David. “Pardon?” David asks, turning his head towards mine. We’re in bed, reading. He has a puzzle book and a pencil. He’s writing in the margins. I’m reading a contemporary romance. “Like, have you ever wanted to choose something specific for me to…

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You’ll let me know when I’m elderly, right?

“Yes. I will,” says Rissa. “Thank you.” “You are elderly.” “Runh?” “Ma, you’re showing all the signs.” “I’m 52!” “Do you, or do you not implement fall prevention measures?” “Yes, but that’s for the ear thing…” “Is that a bowl of hard candies on the counter?” “Yes…” “How many pills do you take each day?”…

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My delicate frickin’ flower

“I’m telling you Rissa, when you’re middle-aged, your vulva gets sassy.” Rissa pauses brushing her teeth. “I’m sorry?” “Your vulva – well at least your labia – they get…” “What is happening right now?” “I was wearing those pants without underwear…” “Ma!” “I am passing on information that will be useful when YOU are 52 years…

I’m not 20 any more.

“OHHHHHHH! OHHHHHHHH GOD!” I moan. “Heather?” “Sweet Jesus…” “You okay in there?” “I’m good, I’m good.”  David cracks open the bathroom door. “You sure?” “I did cardio kickboxing yesterday with Rissa.” “Ahhhhhh… not that kind of moaning.” “Yeah.” He winces as I try to walk. “It’s like child birth.” “What?” “Kickboxing. It’s like child birth….