Lola is the most erratic of our three cats. She’s the one whose pupils dilate to an alarming size as she stares at a point, just over your left shoulder, where a knife-wielding maniac has obviously taken up residence. She goes from 0 to feline parkour in less than a second. And she loves, loves,…
WARNING: Pores and the things that come out of pores are featured in this post. There is a used Bioré strip pic… and links to videos. You’ve been warned. . . . . . . Those Bioré nose strips? Is that accent aigu real? I mean, is it actually French or is it like Hӓagen-Dazs where…
With my head tucked, my oversized Aerie shirt slides up over my face. I feel the butter-soft skin of my tatas against my chin. My line of sight is drawn between my breasts and I can’t help but note their ovular shape. I snort. But then I stop, because it takes me out of the ‘moment’ with…
“That will be $232.31 – would you like to use your $10 reward from your PC points?” says the teenager cashier at No Frills. “I’m sorry it was HOW much?” “$232.31.” “Yes. Yes, I would like to use my $10 in reward points.” I say as calmly as I can, while inside my head I…
It’s the cannabis fudge. That’s why we’re laughing. (Also, this may have been the first time in his life that David has ever truly been high, because I gave him just a titch more fudge than I ingested – you know, because he’s taller and slightly heavier than I am.) We’re laughing so hard that…
I swear I was not being intentionally disrespectful. I just couldn’t take it any more. Earlier in the day: “Hoorah! I have received my shipment of Humpback Posture Correctors!!” (There’s a sentence every woman wants to utter.) It’s been a process folks. After having purchased 6 different styles of posture correctors – each of which…
Is mole DNA similar to rabbit DNA? And by “mole” I mean a mole on your face or body, and by rabbit I mean literal fucking rabbits. If you have two moles on your face, do their melanocytes then multiply exponentially like the proverbial rabbit? Is my face now a Ponzi Scheme? Last year I…
“Have you ever wanted to buy me a special outfit?” I ask David. “Pardon?” David asks, turning his head towards mine. We’re in bed, reading. He has a puzzle book and a pencil. He’s writing in the margins. I’m reading a contemporary romance. “Like, have you ever wanted to choose something specific for me to…
“Yes. I will,” says Rissa. “Thank you.” “You are elderly.” “Runh?” “Ma, you’re showing all the signs.” “I’m 52!” “Do you, or do you not implement fall prevention measures?” “Yes, but that’s for the ear thing…” “Is that a bowl of hard candies on the counter?” “Yes…” “How many pills do you take each day?”…
“I’m telling you Rissa, when you’re middle-aged, your vulva gets sassy.” Rissa pauses brushing her teeth. “I’m sorry?” “Your vulva – well at least your labia – they get…” “What is happening right now?” “I was wearing those pants without underwear…” “Ma!” “I am passing on information that will be useful when YOU are 52 years…