The stress of the 2016 Presidential election has my lower intestines in Stevedore Stopper knots. I’m not even American. The outcome of the election won’t really affect me as someone north of the 42nd. I mean, apart from all the anti-Hillary Republicans who are threatening to move to Canada should the Democrats win and the…
Me – this morning. It is before breakfast. It is before work. I am on the treadmill – watching Daredevil on Netflix. Moving at 3.5 miles an hour on an incline of three. ‘Cause if I don’t do it before I go to work, it will not happen for the rest of day. And if…
“So if they’re asking do I have experience working with animals, does that mean REAL experience? I mean, I have three cats,” says Rissa. “Yes, you do have three cats,” I reply. “And don’t discount the dogs that we’ve had.” “But do they mean experience like squeezing a gopher’s anal glands?” “What!?!” “Or like, I’ve…
“OH MY GOD!” Rissa exclaims. “What?” I ask, glancing up from my e-reader. “This,” she says, indicating her book. “THIS. STUPID. BOOK.” “What are you reading?” “Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness. ARGH!” The book has fallen from her hands and banged her on the head. “Dude. Careful.” “It’s not me! IT’S. THIS. STINKING. BOOK.” She…
“IT’S IMPOSSIBLE!!!” wails Rissa. “WE’RE NOT GOING TO MAKE IT!!!” She is flailing, face-down, on the couch. “Yes we will honey.” I smooth her back. “We’ve got 77 days.” “And 95 episodes!!” How are we going to watch 95 episodes in 77 days?!?” “Easy. One episode a day, with 18 days where we watch two.”…
Our first day in Paris, we get a lay of the land from the massive seasonal Ferris wheel at Place de la Concorde. We can see EVERYTHING from there! Paris has turned us giddy. “We can go there, and there… and THERE!” Paris at our feet! This is fantastic!! Within 30 seconds of alighting from…
“Hor-ORRR-ork! Gaaaaaaag! Pwaaaa!” “You sound like you’re doing “Cool” – the vomit version,” says Rissa. * I’m brushing my teeth. Every morning, when I get to the brushing my tongue part, I can’t seem to get past my gag reflex. “Pwaaaaa!” I spit. “We’d need some added percussion for it though. It’d be like snap,…
Nostalgia has bitten me in the ass. And Rissa’s ass, because she was forced to watch four, count ’em, four 1980s movies with me. Floundering after Bowie died – it got me thinking that we hadn’t shared Bowie movies with Rissa. She’d never seen Labyrinth, or Absolute Beginners. And when I was ordering those movies…
It’s come to this: I am now answering Facebook quizzes in my own head. Without the computer. And not the normal ones like: Which Disney Princess are you? Which Shakespearean character would you be?What breed of cat are you? Nope, this mostly Pagan gal has this one pin-balling around her cranium: Which Bible character is…
The last time I went to Sky Zone Trampoline Park – for Rissa’s 11th birthday – I was unprepared. Even though I had ’emptied’ my bladder twice before stepping onto the trampoline, my baby-stretched urethra gave up on the first bounce. (Not to say that I gave birth through my urethra – childbirth doesn’t work…