I laugh with everyone else when they post texts from their Mom peppered with profanity as the auto-correct takes hold of the device. I’m sure that if my Mom were texting me, her messages would be equally hilarious. Typing too fast in Scrabble chat gives almost the same effect.
“Do tampons come in anything bigger than SUPER PLUS size?” asks Rissa. “I didn’t even know they came in a SUPER PLUS size…” I answer. “They do.” I only pick up Rissa-sized things. Having fully converted to the Diva Cup a while ago – I haven’t purchased tampons for me in so long. I do…
My Mom? She used to make 8 grilled cheese sandwiches at the same time by putting them under the broiler. The oven door would remain open, just a few inches, so that the sandwiches could be monitored – ensuring even browning. My Granny used to do the same thing for breakfast, with open-faced hamburgers buns. …
There’s a difference between mucus and phlegm. I mean beyond the spelling. Although, frankly, just spelling ‘phlegm’ gives me a sick philologist’s thrill. That ‘g’ – it is so tasty. Basically, mucus is supposed to be there and phlegm isn’t. Mucus relates to actual mucoid tissue – like say in your nose or eyes or…
A slightly bigger cross-body bag. In a fancy colour. That’s all I wanted. Slightly larger than the bag already slung across my shoulders, my affordable purple Kipling bag, the physical representation of which gave me a template for the size the new bag needed to be bigger than. ‘Cause unless you have a small tape…
I don’t do it on purpose. It’s just that in my capacity as impulsive animal saviour, I may, on the rare occasion, leave them with PTSD. There you are, a woolly bear caterpillar or a fat earth worm, trying to make your way across the asphalt bike path, when you suddenly find yourself rolled, pushed,…
I missed being the small spoon. If I didn’t really throw my arm over David’s side, I could almost manage the big spoon. But small spoon? Months had passed since I’d been able to lie on my right side and claim that privilege. Heavy sighs. Discomfort. Near tears… a new nighttime ritual. “What is it…
SPOILER ALERT! The soft porn had been unexpected. From what I knew of the books, I’d gleaned that there’d be kilts, horses, time travel, romance to be sure – but the soft porn? A delightful bonus. The opening allusion to sex in the first episode of Outlander – was just that – allusory. Squeaky bedsprings…
“Get out of her!” Firm shake. Firm shake. “OUT! YOU. GET. OUT. OF. HER!!!“ My hands around her throat now – Chi-Chi’s eyes bugging out even more. She’s making gagging sounds, but I can still see it’s not her. “GET OUT! OUT! OUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!!!!“ “Heather.” “GET OUT!!!“ “Heather…” “YOU. LEAVE. MY. BABY. RIGHT. NOW!” David’s hand…
Butt. Butt. BUUUUUUTT. She is the smallest of our cats, but she packs a punch when she’s headbutting you first thing in the morning. Her small feline cranium careens into my temple, followed by little cat teeth attempting to groom me. Then this: “Puh! Puh! Puh! Gaaaaaaaag!” as she realizes that shoulder-length human hair is…