Our car was stolen last night, right from our driveway. The theiving bastards took it right from our freaking driveway!!! Our driveway!!! We were violated!!! Except we weren’t. And it wasn’t. And they didn’t. I had driven the car to the theatre downtown for rehearsal and then walked home, having forgotten that I’d driven there. …
Did you ever smell something SO GOOD that its presence within your nasal cavity brought you close to orgasm? Something so delicious, that you clenched with everything inside you and had a full on frisson go down your spine, making you gasp? That’s me, walking past the open door of a bakery. The smell of…
I was joking around. Throwing out the one-liners. Getting people to relax. Chit-chatting. Looking all unconcerned and unaffected by the process. Slipped on my kick-ass heels and crossed my ankles delicately, doing my best to channel Julie London. Then, as I walked in front of the auditioning panel, I felt those same ankles tremble. My…
“Do you want to see what my navel can do?” We’re in the grocery store. Rissa is in full-on lunatic mode. She has been tying bunny ears on all the bags of our vegetables. You know… so they’ll be securely closed and it’ll look like we have an entire cart full of transparent rabbits. (I…
Step 1: Rent a 70 foot long inflatable obstacle race with 10 foot slide exit. Step 2: Let children know they can use it. Step 3: Turn your back for the briefest of moments. Beautiful bucolic fall day. Sun shining, birds singing, crisp air. As the inflatable sought form on the pavement, rosy-cheeked, tow-headed tots…
Last night. High Jump. Vault. 100 Metre Dash. One of my favourites was the synchronized diving. Watching cats accomplish such a feat – takes your breath away. Literally. It literally takes your breath away. When cats land on you, from a great height, in the middle of the night – the wind is knocked out…
The first week back to school was surprisingly easy. Disproportionate levels of ease. It was smoooooooth, it was cream cheese icing, it was James Brown. This second week back to school is kicking our asses. We are so frickin’ tired. It feels like we have a new baby or puppy in the house. We are…
Way, way, WAAAAAY back when – there were these things called girdles. Everyone who was anyone wore one. And you know why? Because, back in the day, there were lots of form-fitting clothes. And women wore them. Because why? Because of a girdle. Today’s girdles are Shapewear. Spanx. Basically they’re wetsuits. Add a snorkel and…
Twice last summer, I woke myself by biting my tongue in my sleep. Really hard. Lots of blood, can’t-chew-your-food-the-next-day, hard. So, like any modern gal, I Googled it. Type ‘biting tongue in sleep’ into Google and the next thing you know, you’ve got epilepsy. And then you start reading about all the symptoms of epilepsy…
Courting trouble When I was younger, I did things… I courted trouble. I was the brash girl with the great rack who wasn’t afraid to use words or breasts to my advantage. Back in the day, I faked my Driver’s License with green liquid paper, a fine-tipped pen and a steady hand. I shop-lifted bad…