So you know how, when you have to go through Customs, even if you aren’t smuggling anything you get all freaked out and start to wonder, “Hey! Maybe I DO have a condom full of cocaine in my lower intestinal tract”? Every single time we get a letter from the Canada Revenue Agency I lose…
We lived next door to a lady named Kay. She was in her 80s. One of those Europeans who, although she’d been in Canada for 50 years, still had her accent – just like my own Granny. Kay was effusive in welcoming us to the neighbourhood. We had to learn to lock our door during…
Yes, folks, you too may purchase your very own boob juggling set! Includes 3 breasts for the true juggling experience!* I think that I may have acquired a new audience for my blog. Teenaged boys. Any post that I have with the word boobs in the title ends up with ridiculously more page views. My…
I used to be really bendy when I was younger. (Steady folks.) Comes of being a gymnast. I was incredibly flexible. (STEADY…) Which is great when most of what you do in sport is bend in half backwards, run, skip and bounce. Trouble is, all those extra-stretchy ligaments? After years and years of stretching? They…
David and I are doing laundry at my parents’ place. It’s such a lovely day that we decide that we’re going to hang the clothes on the line to dry. After about 5 mintues, from within the house, I hear shrieks from my female relatives. My mother, Granny, Gran and Aunt Bea are all in…
I trip. I fall. I run into things. Have done since I was wee. I could make falling up the stairs an Olympic sport. My Mom calling the Doctor’s office, “But it won’t stop bleeding!!” “I’m sorry Ma’am, unless it’s mostly severed, it’ll have to heal by itself.” “But there’s so much blood!” “Ma’am, unless…
When did I get to be so freaking hairy? I should be in one of those carny magazines with the caption Hirsute Heather as I wear some Victoria styled gown bustled to a steam-punk length and a fascinator to show off my spectacular facial hair. There is something about the quality of the sun in…
WARNING: This post is about… ahem… grown up toys The Hitachi Magic Wand (insert angels’ chorus) Several years ago, David got me a present. The cadillac of ‘personal massagers.’ Variations on this design have been used in adult entertainment since the 70s. If you’ve seen an adult film, you’ve seen this toy in use. …
I woke up in back labour the other day. I was a titch surprised being as I hadn’t realized I was pregnant. I was having slight discomfort through the night, in that half-awake/half-asleep state where you’re pretty certain that you’re dreaming it all. But then as you really wake up, you realize that the ‘something’s…
Edith Vonnegut’s Sunblock I can burn after 2.5 minutes of sun exposure. This is not hyperbole. The sun in 2013 is different than when I was a kid. Sure I used to burn if I went completely without sunblock, but it wasn’t in 2.5 minutes, I can tell you that. I lived in California for…