“Uh-oh,” I say as I’m about to step into my bedroom. “What?” asks Rissa. “Hold these,” I say, pushing freshly washed sheets into her arms. (Sidebar: have I mentioned that I have a kid who never complains when I ask her to be my Plus One in household chores? She’s a fucking unicorn.) “Why?” She…
David sucks at stopping conversations. When he has the opportunity to make a declarative statement that will allow him to be able to walk away? He can’t do it. Thursday, March 12, right before it was announced that schools would be closed and the shit had yet to actually hit the fan, David was antsy…
“I’ve decided against cutting my own hair,” I say before heading upstairs to have my shower. “That’s probably a wise decision,” says Rissa. “Yeah, I can just wait until social distancing is over.” “Good choice.” I’m not sure exactly what happens before I make it into the shower, but somehow there are scissors in my…
When you dress for the day, you think to yourself, I feel so confident in my pseudo retro-look! My posture is something my mother can be proud of! My shoes match my skirt almost exactly!!! And then you see photographic evidence of yourself from that day… Ladies and Germs I give you Heather from a January…
Sure, the sound of cats having sex is impressive, but nothing can beat the noise of cats out to kill each other. That alarm clock has you leaping from your bed, blood-pressure skyrocketing, arms gesticulating wildly before your feet even hit the floor. Special Ops units use this sound to train their soldiers to be…
There he is, seated on the love-seat next to the kitchen. In his striped onesie. Trying to blow his nose. “Morning love,” I say. “Borning,” he manages. He is adorable. “You hungry?” “Yeb, pleebe.” “How about some eggs?” He nods sadly. “Pleebe.” Poor guy looks so exhausted. I know that he didn’t sleep well last…
I just want to be at my best for Christmas Eve dinner, you know? Well-presented. Whisker-free. Having spent a great deal of time yesterday absentmindedly playing with my chin and neck hairs, I knew that this morning should really be dedicated to the pre-Christmas pluck. I head to the bathroom with purpose. I ablute as…
Dicks. SO many dicks out there on the interwebs. Leaving virtual spooge on our screens and an ether trail of fake websites / Facebook pages / online stores. Preying upon the vintage clothing / cheap electronics / insert niche market here nerds. I freely admit, I click that bait. Vintage style wool coat? The Angels’…
Originally, David wants me to go to our local Community Theatre’s Costume Shop and “pick up a black suit that should fit.” He is perplexed when I explain that were I to pick out a suit without him there, that the suit would not fit. “You’re going to actually have to try a suit on.”…
I’m standing in the kitchen – fighting with a safety pin to ensure that my tatas don’t escape my cotton summer dress. The sweat is… everywhere. My forehead, neck, décolletage… Between my shoulder blades, the curve of my ass… MY FUCKING SHINS! I start to hyperventilate in discomfort. I’m nauseated. David looks at me. “Love, are…