“Rissa!!! BEST WALK EVER!!!” “It was?” “YES!! One cat on the way there… Three, no wait! FOUR cats on the way back…” “Two cats there, Mummy. You saw two cats on the way over.” We had walked Rissa over to her friend’s house. “I did?” “Yes, the long-haired dark grey one and a tabby.” “I…
When I was younger, I worshipped at the altar of white flour. My Mom would get these crusty Kaiser rolls – the ones you could select with the fancy tongs in the bakery dept. I would devour them – butter slathered all over their fluffy insides. No protein anywhere to be found. Just bread and…
“Don’t crash while I’m doing this,” I say as I unbuckle my seat belt. “O….kay,” says David – eyes now glued to the road in front of him. His peripherals have extended to a 6 foot radius around the car. We’re on our way to the airport. Rissa is travelling to Vancouver. BY HERSELF. At…
“You guys just don’t understand!!” “Nobody else’s mother does this, you know…” “Yes, but this needs to be documented! I’ve been suffering for at least two weeks now!” I’m sitting at the computer with the web cam. “She’s right Heather, this is weird… even for you.” “Why are you guys laughing?” “Why? Because not only…
Thunderstorms in the morning. I’m dressed like a Popsicle: lime green umbrella, bright pink rain coat, yellow rubber boots. Rain coming at me sideways as I walk to work. I’m wet from mid-thigh to the top of my boots. It takes me all day to get dry. It’s bank day. A couple of cheques to…
Stompy. I was SOOOOOO stompy. Throwing blankets and sheets down to be washed. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. David and Rissa exchanging “What the hell is happening?” looks below in the kitchen. The panic had beset me while still in bed. I’d looked up at the ceiling with the skim coat of drywall compound taunting me –…
You ever shop for bed skirts? I was killing time at a Bed, Bath & Beyond a bit back, thinking “Hey! We need some new bed skirts – I’ll just have a looksee in their linens dept.” They started at $45 and went up from there. Correct me if I’m wrong, but it’s the bed…
Is one of the by-products of peri-menopause bigger boobs? Because I’m pretty sure that my boobs are growing. Swear to God. I feel like I have pregnant boobs. I’m ALL boobs. I look in the mirror and they’re just… there… I mean really, there. Like KAPOW there!! I walk into the room and they…
“The treadmill is trying to kill me!” “Kill you?” David asks skeptically. “Well, it’s, at the very least, trying to Gaslight me.” “And it’s doing this, how??” “Because I can’t load Netflix.” David gives me the eyebrow equivalent to a face palm. “And this is driving you mad?” “Yes. Yes, it is driving me mad.”…
During renovations, in a desperate attempt to control the visual chaos of my environment, I’ve lost my mind. I’ve gone round the bend folks. My obsession this week? Ensuring that, when I open the shower curtain, all the shampoo, conditioner and body wash bottles complement one another. Hello Ma’am, we’ve got a lovely little jacket…