Rage, all-encompassing RAGE. Because why? Because David left the peanut butter and honey out on the countertop. All-encompassing rage with a side of dockworker swearing. Because why? Because there are crumbs on the countertop. All-encompassing rage and swearing with a side of growling and hiccuping sobs. Because why? Because there are not one, not two,…
I always had a sneaking suspicion that I’d go crazy – I just didn’t know that it would hit me quite this young. I am 46 years old and my mind has already begun the descent into madness. Not only that – I’m watching it board the CRAZY TRAIN, don Groucho Marx glasses (with nose)…
Ironing left-handed is akin to learning to ride a unicycle, but I’m pretty sure this hobble-shouldered old dog can learn new tricks. Cursing and taking double the time to actually get clothes wrinkle-free – but 20 minutes later, the shirt’s relatively smooth. TAH-DAAAAH!!!! Until the iron falls, spilling water everywhere, and I reach for it…
“Rissa!!! BEST WALK EVER!!!” “It was?” “YES!! One cat on the way there… Three, no wait! FOUR cats on the way back…” “Two cats there, Mummy. You saw two cats on the way over.” We had walked Rissa over to her friend’s house. “I did?” “Yes, the long-haired dark grey one and a tabby.” “I…
When I was younger, I worshipped at the altar of white flour. My Mom would get these crusty Kaiser rolls – the ones you could select with the fancy tongs in the bakery dept. I would devour them – butter slathered all over their fluffy insides. No protein anywhere to be found. Just bread and…
“Don’t crash while I’m doing this,” I say as I unbuckle my seat belt. “O….kay,” says David – eyes now glued to the road in front of him. His peripherals have extended to a 6 foot radius around the car. We’re on our way to the airport. Rissa is travelling to Vancouver. BY HERSELF. At…
“You guys just don’t understand!!” “Nobody else’s mother does this, you know…” mutters Rissa. “Yes, but this needs to be documented! I’ve been suffering for at least two weeks now!” I’m sitting in front of the webcam. “She’s right Heather, this is weird… even for you,” David chimes in. “Why are you guys laughing?” “Why?”…
Thunderstorms in the morning. I’m dressed like a Popsicle: lime green umbrella, bright pink rain coat, yellow rubber boots. Rain coming at me sideways as I walk to work. I’m wet from mid-thigh to the top of my boots. It takes me all day to get dry. It’s bank day. A couple of cheques to…
Stompy. I was SOOOOOO stompy. Throwing blankets and sheets down to be washed. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. David and Rissa exchanging “What the hell is happening?” looks below in the kitchen. The panic had beset me while still in bed. I’d looked up at the ceiling with the skim coat of drywall compound taunting me –…
You ever shop for bed skirts? I was killing time at a Bed, Bath & Beyond a bit back, thinking “Hey! We need some new bed skirts – I’ll just have a looksee in their linens dept.” They started at $45 and went up from there. Correct me if I’m wrong, but it’s the bed…