Taxidermied Gophers
Does anyone else do this kind of stuff with their daughter?
David and the Dumpster of Death
“SON OF A…” “MOTHER-$@*%&$!” We had a dumpster delivered Monday morning. We’re down to the crunch before the move. What hasn’t been sold or donated by the moving date ends up in the steel depths of the most dangerous dumpster in Southern Ontario. Before the dumpster was deposited on our driveway, we had snow. And…
Failure to Affix
For weeks now, in preparation for our impending move, we’ve been packing up our ginormous home. Over the weekend I was tackling the office space and I ran out of packing tape. “NO TAPE!!! WE HAVE NO TAPE!!!” “There might be some duct tape downstairs,” says David. Duct tape! Perfect! Duct tape sticks to everything…
PMS is a PERK…
“I don’t really have PMS do I?” I ask as we’re driving home. “Hmmmmm?” David queries. “I’m more an MS kinda gal. That’s when I lose it…” I toss him a look. David’s eyes narrow, almost imperceptibly, but I can still see it. How can he answer this? What WON’T drive me to have a…
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!
“Heather! Heather! Wake up!!!” I startled awake, feeling tears on my cheeks. I was crying? Why was I crying? “It’s okay… It’s okay…” It all came flooding back. “Oh David… David I had the most wonderful dream!” “You did? But if it was wonderful, why are you cyring?” “Our new house had a split-level basement!”…
The Panty Conundrum…
“Why do you never fold underwear?” I yell. I am staring at a pile of unfolded ladies’ panties in various colours and materials – bunched up on the top of the laundry pile – a secondary, equally-crumpled pile, is on the floor. “They can’t be folded!!” David yells back from the kitchen. “Come here!” He…
Me and Igor, we’re like this…
If I were a horse, I’d have been taken out back and shot. Or at least, that’s what my parents always threatened to do when I was younger. The limping started about a week and a half ago. I blame ‘Art.’ See, I’m in a show. I needed to get used to my costume before…
Who are you wearing?
“Rissa, come look!!” I yell. “What? What?” She slides in the kitchen in her socked feet. I point out the window. “Look! The snow is falling all in slow motion! Isn’t it beautiful??” “OOOOOOOOH! It’s so pretty!” (Given this year’s snow ridiculous accumulation, I don’t know how we can still be impressed, but there it…
Where’s the frickin’ SNOOZE button?
I used to be a terrible sleeper. Before I gave birth to progeny. My brain wouldn’t shut down. If something woke me at 6:25 a.m. on a Saturday morning, no matter how tired my body was, I was incapable of returning to slumber. Thoughts would careen from synapse to synapse. Bits of songs, lines from…
What’s happening to our Tupperware?
I must have a symbiotic worm hole in my house. I swear to God that for every lost sock in the dryer, a Tupperware container also disappears. I could earn a doctorate in this area. I’m going to get a grant for the next phase of my thesis. We have a billion Tupperware lids –…