I used to be a terrible sleeper. Before I gave birth to progeny. My brain wouldn’t shut down. If something woke me at 6:25 a.m. on a Saturday morning, no matter how tired my body was, I was incapable of returning to slumber. Thoughts would careen from synapse to synapse. Bits of songs, lines from…
I must have a symbiotic worm hole in my house. I swear to God that for every lost sock in the dryer, a Tupperware container also disappears. I could earn a doctorate in this area. I’m going to get a grant for the next phase of my thesis. We have a billion Tupperware lids –…
We are on the hunt for a sofa bed. On account of the fact that our new house does not have a guest room. As Canadians, we need to be able to offer extreme-weather lodgings. It’s in the Canadian Manifesto. Or it would be if Canada had a Manifesto. My Mom took great pride in…
It was a revelation. With the first one I thought I’d just been lucky. Even the second. What a happy coincidence! How delightful! It was only upon savouring the third that I thought something was up. I looked at the box. Ladies and gentlemen, Pot Of Gold makes a CARAMEL collection! I am undone. Dear…
After nearly a week of low-pressure snow squalls cavorting their way through Ontario – the sun has graced us with its presence. These barometric weather conditions offer the perfect metamorphic indredients to turn me into a sun-terrorized vampire. The back of my eye sockets proclaimed the shift in my dreams. Travelling to Australia via inter-gallactic…
“My friends think I’m a monster,” says Rissa. My spoonful of Rice Chex stops an inch from my mouth. “Because why?” “Because I don’t eat cereal.” I shoot her a disbelieving glance before shoveling my cereal into my mouth. I chew thoughtfully for a moment before swallowing. Then I shake my head. “I don’t get…
But you know how it goes. You’ve just showered. You notice that at least one of the bulbs in the bathroom light fixture has died. You know that if you don’t fix it now, you won’t remember to do it later. So off I went, starkers, down the hall. “It’s okay, I’m taking care of…
It’s not just me, right? Other works in this series include: The counter above the dishwasher is NOT the dishwasher! I am NOT your sink whore! and Tea Towels are NOT dishcloths!
Remember when you were a kid, and you ate the fresh-out-of-the-oven pizza so fast that the roof of your mouth became stuccoed with blisters? Afterwards, your tongue couldn’t help but play with the damaged skin of your palate – feeling out all of those bumps. For hours, even days afterward (depending on how hot the…
The Liquor Control Board of Ontario may now be my favourite place on earth. And for more than just the incredible array of single malt scotches that one can purchase there. My friends and I were picking up a few libations and took them up to the cash. We were making jokes, being a little…