My ass felt colder than usual when I got out of the car. When I made it inside and took off my coat – I reached around to feel the seat of my pants. The seat of my pants was gone. My entire right cheek was exposed. My shoulders slumped. My pants were giving up…
Yesterday, we began renovations on our new home. Today, my neck, back and achilles tendons no longer work. Eight years ago, when we started the same process on our present home, I don’t remember feeling like this. I remember holding the mini-jack hammer and cackling with joy as I exposed the brick in our kitchen….
I parked the car. It was the first in the lot. When I opened the door, three inches of freshly fallen powdery snow were at my feet. The snow around my parking spot and all the way to the loading dock door was pristine. It was too good to pass up. I put on my…
Does anyone else do this kind of stuff with their daughter?
“SON OF A…” “MOTHER-$@*%&$!” We had a dumpster delivered Monday morning. We’re down to the crunch before the move. What hasn’t been sold or donated by the moving date ends up in the steel depths of the most dangerous dumpster in Southern Ontario. Before the dumpster was deposited on our driveway, we had snow. And…
For weeks now, in preparation for our impending move, we’ve been packing up our ginormous home. Over the weekend I was tackling the office space and I ran out of packing tape. “NO TAPE!!! WE HAVE NO TAPE!!!” “There might be some duct tape downstairs,” says David. Duct tape! Perfect! Duct tape sticks to everything…
“I don’t really have PMS do I?” I ask as we’re driving home. “Hmmmmm?” David queries. “I’m more an MS kinda gal. That’s when I lose it…” I toss him a look. David’s eyes narrow, almost imperceptibly, but I can still see it. How can he answer this? What WON’T drive me to have a…
“Heather! Heather! Wake up!!!” I startled awake, feeling tears on my cheeks. I was crying? Why was I crying? “It’s okay… It’s okay…” It all came flooding back. “Oh David… David I had the most wonderful dream!” “You did? But if it was wonderful, why are you cyring?” “Our new house had a split-level basement!”…
“Why do you never fold underwear?” I yell. I am staring at a pile of unfolded ladies’ panties in various colours and materials – bunched up on the top of the laundry pile – a secondary, equally-crumpled pile, is on the floor. “They can’t be folded!!” David yells back from the kitchen. “Come here!” He…
If I were a horse, I’d have been taken out back and shot. Or at least, that’s what my parents always threatened to do when I was younger. The limping started about a week and a half ago. I blame ‘Art.’ See, I’m in a show. I needed to get used to my costume before…