After nearly a week of low-pressure snow squalls cavorting their way through Ontario – the sun has graced us with its presence. These barometric weather conditions offer the perfect metamorphic indredients to turn me into a sun-terrorized vampire. The back of my eye sockets proclaimed the shift in my dreams. Travelling to Australia via inter-gallactic…
“My friends think I’m a monster,” says Rissa. My spoonful of Rice Chex stops an inch from my mouth. “Because why?” “Because I don’t eat cereal.” I shoot her a disbelieving glance before shoveling my cereal into my mouth. I chew thoughtfully for a moment before swallowing. Then I shake my head. “I don’t get…
But you know how it goes. You’ve just showered. You notice that at least one of the bulbs in the bathroom light fixture has died. You know that if you don’t fix it now, you won’t remember to do it later. So off I went, starkers, down the hall. “It’s okay, I’m taking care of…
It’s not just me, right? Other works in this series include: The counter above the dishwasher is NOT the dishwasher! I am NOT your sink whore! and Tea Towels are NOT dishcloths!
Remember when you were a kid, and you ate the fresh-out-of-the-oven pizza so fast that the roof of your mouth became stuccoed with blisters? Afterwards, your tongue couldn’t help but play with the damaged skin of your palate – feeling out all of those bumps. For hours, even days afterward (depending on how hot the…
The Liquor Control Board of Ontario may now be my favourite place on earth. And for more than just the incredible array of single malt scotches that one can purchase there. My friends and I were picking up a few libations and took them up to the cash. We were making jokes, being a little…
I will be unstable for the next 7.5 weeks. I give you all fair warning. Do NOT tease me. Not now. In fact, do not tease me for the next 7.5 weeks. Treat the next 7.5 weeks as if I am hormonally unbalanced. I am very fragile. It ain’t hormones – it’s house. We…
So yesterday, when I was publicizing the – FLASH FREEZE WARNING – I should have realized that it would come back and bite me in the ass. By 9:45 a.m. the puddles were already sporting a thin sheet of ice. I found myself in a a reverse time-lapse of the spring thaw. In my well-laced…
Now I doubt my intelligence and smell like cat shit. Yes it’s kitty litter day. And every single time I forget that I should be doing this job in a HAZMAT suit so that I don’t reek of cat. I should have kitty litter clothes. I have painting clothes – the ones that I wear…
So this is how it goes is it? I now injure myself sitting. I came home the other night, and I ached, oh how I ached. I could barely walk. My hips, my knees, even my ankles refused give me support. Apparently they were going out dancing, maybe speed skating or snowboarding while I was…….