The Suicidal Hand

Appendage depression doesn’t get a lot of air play.  Unless of course the appendage is a penis and  then any story therein related will fill your news feed. My left hand has a death wish.  To look at it, you wouldn’t think that it’s any different really from my right hand.  Fingers the same length…

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Who let the lava queen in?

“Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.” “Hmmm?  What?”  yawns David, before falling back asleep almost instantaneously. It’s 1:30 a.m. Moments ago I was curled next to David, really loving being the Big Spoon.  Now I am temperature of the sun. The Lava Queen by Wasudo (Deviant Art) Covers off.   I’m sweating from every pore in my torso…  neck…  scalp.  Ugh. …

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Does anyone’s carpet match their curtains?

For once I am not talking about my pubic hair, or even referring to yours.  (‘Cause let’s face it, the boat carrying that particular shade of carpet sailed decades ago when I discovered Flirt hair colour.) It’s all about lipstick.  Please follow my idiomatic extrapolation.  I’ve been testing lipstick shades on the back of my…

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Never use the magnifying mirror.

“Do you see this?” I ask. “What?”  David is towelling his hair. “This.”  I turn the left side of my face to him.  “This.” He comes closer.  Looks.  Then looks again.  “I don’t see anything.” “This.”  I use my finger to show him what I’m talking about.   “I don’t see anything.” “I’m growing a beard.”…

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Thank God I married Roger Rabbit.

Warning: descriptive female issues in this post. “OH FOR THE LOVE OF…”  “What is it?” “Day Eight apparently.” “Are we in the playoffs?” My baleful eyes could burn through steel. “I am BLEEDING out.  I was done.  The Diva Cup was empty.” David winces in naive male sympathy/horrified visualization.  “And now the cup runneth over?”…

The alarm cat

Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Oh, for the love of… Meow. Meow. Meow… meow…meow…meeeeeeeeeeeowwwwwww. I look over at the clock.  7:17.  What the?   CRAP!  I stagger out of bed, open the bedroom door and face Minuit – the most irritated cat in the galaxy.  She squints at me with her perpetually rheumy eyes. Meow. We have…

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The reason for all those baby/kitten/puppy videos #2016Election

The stress of the 2016 Presidential election has my lower intestines in Stevedore Stopper knots.  I’m not even American.  The outcome of the election won’t really affect me as someone north of the 42nd.  I mean, apart from all the anti-Hillary Republicans who are threatening to move to Canada should the Democrats win and the…