You wake up in the morning and do the zombie shuffle to the bathroom. The light goes on; your ill-prepared eyes close – too much light, too soon. Your pasty mouth makes a smasking sound as you open and close it, you wonder what crawled in to die overnight. You stick out your tongue, making sure…
“I’m going to have a quick shower!” I say, heading up the stairs. “O….kay…” This from David in the kitchen, his tone oddly sarcastic. “Pardon?” I say – ducking down to catch his eye. “Nothing,” he shrugs before smiling falsely. The temperature in the room has dropped about 15 degrees. “Is something going on?” I…
“Would you mind grabbing my phone from the Jeep?” asks my friend Meaghan, as she’s filling out some paperwork at the permits desk. “Sure, no problem,” I say. I head out to the parking lot towards her white Jeep SUV. Try the doors. Locked. Run back inside. “Keys. I’ll need the keys,” I say. “Oh,…
The rain is teeming down on this cool June day. You could take a picture out our back window and place it next to the word ‘torrential.’ In less than 2 hours I would be walking down the main street of a small Ontario town in early Canada Day Celebrations. “I so wish that I…
Leafing through Woman’s World while waiting at the vet’s office… Ad after ad after ad for drugs/products that spend the last 1/16th of their page on the small print. WARNING: may cause dizziness, nausea, itchiness, dry mouth, sneezing, anxiety, twitching, muscle aches, depression, seizures, anal leakage, loss of feeling in your left foot, temporary blindness,…
“AS SEEN ON TV!! IT’S THE VAGGETTI!!!” David does a double take. “Beg your pardon?” “Oh, wait… That’s VEG-getti.” “And that’s better because…?” “You stick vegetables in and out comes ‘pasta’.” “Vegetable pasta?” David shudders. “I was going to mock this mercilessly, but looking at it now, I would totally use it. Plus then we’d…
“Don’t shave them DRY!!” I gasp, horrified. “Ah, but my pits are youthful, Mama…” “Oh, I get it, and my pits are elderly, decrepit, crabby pits?” She shrugs and shaves her own dry armpits. “You’ve got to watch out for them though,” I say. “The hair in the elderly, decrepit, crabby pits is so strong…
“Would you like to see a puppet show?” asks Rissa as we travel into Toronto on the GO Train. “YES!” David and I encourage enthusiastically. Rissa clears her throat and reaches into her bag. “TA-DAH!!!” She flourishes two Compak Tampons in their wrappers – one purple, one yellow. Holding them vertical, she presents them to…
Feeling down? In a funk? Is your life a great honking pile of crap? In your circle of friends/family you must know one child in pre-ballet class. It’s spring. It’s the end of recreational classes. Find a dance recital. I can guarantee that upon viewing a pre-ballet recital, your mood will improve. There will…
“You’re telling me this is normal?” David asks. “Pardon?” I’m combing through my conditioned hair with my finger tips in the shower. I glance over at him. His face is the perfect combination of horror/disgust/concern. He directs my gaze to the shower wall, where I have been depositing my ‘extra’ hair. I shrug. “Relatively,” I…