WARNING: Female issues will be discussed. You get to be a certain age of woman and you don’t put up with as much shit anymore. You’ve made it through early parenthood and you’re still standing. You’ve mostly got it down, you know what works and what doesn’t. You’ve developed a rhythm and that rhythm generally…
“Rissa, if I were a dude, would I be a douche?” I ask – brushing through my hair after my morning shower. “Pardon?” “If I was a guy, do you think that I’d be the type of guy who’d be kind of douchey?” “Other parents don’t ask these questions.” “I just had this thought, is…
“Have you seen my puffer?” “I think it was in the bathroom.” “I’ve checked there.” “Have you checked on the kitchen table?” “I’ve checked on the kitchen table. I’ve checked under the kitchen table.” “Have you checked on the bathroom counter?” “I’ve checked on the counter. I’ve checked behind the counter. I’ve checked in the…
“Not cool! This is NOT cool!” I exasperate. “What? What is it?” David responds. “I peed my pants FIVE times today while coughing!!!” “Oh hon… You’ll do better tomorrow… Tomorrow you can make it to six!” “Do NOT make me laugh.” I have already crossed my thighs in preparation for any laugh leakage. David and…
I’m not sure what we do to them, but eventually, all cats in our household run galloping towards madness. We’ve had cats who spontaneously paralyze, suck on carpet and hiss at the doorbell. Since we moved to the new house, Lola – sveltest of our felines – is now attempting to change breeds – she…
… when you’re in the midst of peri-menopause? They tell you about the sleep disturbances, the night sweats – all that great stuff – they don’t tell you that your dreamscape will be a cross between Terry Gilliam and Wes Anderson. Last night, Inigo Montoya was waxing my bikini line before he replaced my kneecaps…
“Ooooh… naked body…” says David as we hop into the shower together. He presses himself against me. “Dude.“ “What?” He lathers me suggestively. COUGH. COUGH. HACK. WHEEZE. spit. He stops momentarily. “You okay?” “Oh yeah, I’m great. Lung butter up to my clavical, but I’m good.” “You know what would make you feel better?” Without…
“Just one more? Please can’t we watch just one more?” I beg. “No Mummy. We’ve already watched three episodes. You’re done,” says Rissa. I look over to David forlornly. He shrugs. “The kid has spoken. It’s bedtime for Bonzo.” I throw myself across their laps, wailing in dissatisfaction. They are unmoved. As I am lying…
On the plus side? I’m 46 years old and still alive. If this were the Middle Ages, I’d be dead already, or close to dead, or, at the very least, a great-Grandma, with incredibly saggy boobs because they didn’t have proper brassieres back then. On the minus side? The part of my brain that is…
“Heather, what do you want for… HOLY CRAP!!!” says David as he sticks his head behind the shower curtain. He’s reacting to the shower wall, upon which I have left all the ‘extra’ hair from my head. And by ‘extra’ hair, I mean the hair that I regularly lose when I wash my hair. “Are…