“OH MY GOD THIS IS SO GOOD!!! Turn it up! TURN IT UP!!!“ Muse’s Supremacy is playing in the car. David cranks it. “Best dirty guitar ever!!! You know where I feel this? IN MY VULVA!!!“ “MUMMY!“ “But I do. Every time those dark notes from that guitar kick in – right there in my…”…
Utterly exhausted, I climb into the back seat, voluntarily giving up ‘shotgun’ to Rissa. “Really? I really get to sit in the front?!?” “Sleepy. So very, very sleepy.” My mid-afternoon doze is kicking in, in a major way. Peri-menopause and thyroid disease make for insistent bedfellows. One pillow is under my head, plus I’ve added…
“Well, HELLO there…” says David. “Hiya. Don’t get excited. This isn’t for you,” I say, standing naked in our bedroom. Even though the weather in Southern Ontario this summer is not steaming hot, it’s still humid. The kind of humid that starts you sweating not 30 seconds after you’ve had a cool shower to get…
“Is there such a thing as ‘Cosplay?’ ” I ask. David raises an eyebrow. We’re still lying in bed, the alarm has just gone off. He yawns. “Uhhhhh…. yeah. Costume Play. Like people who dress up from Star Trek or Anime or Marvel characters.” “I was having this dream last night and it was all…
“Two piece or one piece?” “Are you going to need to pee at any time during the day?” asks Rissa. The thought of having to visit a public washroom while attempting to drag down a wet, clingy (to the point of achieving adhesion to my body), one-piece swimsuit, makes me shudder. “Point taken. Two piece…
It’s a vagina. Say it with me folks. VA-GI-NA. Vagina. Half the people in the world have them. You might have your very own. Check now. If it’s an ‘INNY” it’s a vagina. If it’s an “OUTY” it’s a penis. That’s not to say that, as an adult, I haven’t used comic euphimisms to get…
“Are they going to fit in?” “I’m trying to make them,” says Rissa. “I swear to you that these breasts were not this large in June.” “I think you might be right.” “What is going on?!?” “I don’t know, Mummy.” Rissa huffs, as she places her knee in my back to gain leverage. “You can’t…
“Just so you know, if they tell me I have to amputate the arm to save my life, I’m not going to fight them.” David doesn’t even pause. “Damned straight, you’re not. That sucker’s coming off!” “For the first little while, until I have a proper prosthetic, I’ll have arm proxies. Like when I…
“Rissa!!! BEST WALK EVER!!!” “It was?” “YES!! One cat on the way there… Three, no wait! FOUR cats on the way back…” “Two cats there, Mummy. You saw two cats on the way over.” We had walked Rissa over to her friend’s house. “I did?” “Yes, the long-haired dark grey one and a tabby.” “I…
When I was younger, I worshipped at the altar of white flour. My Mom would get these crusty Kaiser rolls – the ones you could select with the fancy tongs in the bakery dept. I would devour them – butter slathered all over their fluffy insides. No protein anywhere to be found. Just bread and…