“Two piece or one piece?” “Are you going to need to pee at any time during the day?” asks Rissa. The thought of having to visit a public washroom while attempting to drag down a wet, clingy (to the point of achieving adhesion to my body), one-piece swimsuit, makes me shudder. “Point taken. Two piece…
It’s a vagina. Say it with me folks. VA-GI-NA. Vagina. Half the people in the world have them. You might have your very own. Check now. If it’s an ‘INNY” it’s a vagina. If it’s an “OUTY” it’s a penis. That’s not to say that, as an adult, I haven’t used comic euphimisms to get…
“Are they going to fit in?” “I’m trying to make them,” says Rissa. “I swear to you that these breasts were not this large in June.” “I think you might be right.” “What is going on?!?” “I don’t know, Mummy.” Rissa huffs, as she places her knee in my back to gain leverage. “You can’t…
“Just so you know, if they tell me I have to amputate the arm to save my life, I’m not going to fight them.” David doesn’t even pause. “Damned straight, you’re not. That sucker’s coming off!” “For the first little while, until I have a proper prosthetic, I’ll have arm proxies. Like when I…
“Rissa!!! BEST WALK EVER!!!” “It was?” “YES!! One cat on the way there… Three, no wait! FOUR cats on the way back…” “Two cats there, Mummy. You saw two cats on the way over.” We had walked Rissa over to her friend’s house. “I did?” “Yes, the long-haired dark grey one and a tabby.” “I…
When I was younger, I worshipped at the altar of white flour. My Mom would get these crusty Kaiser rolls – the ones you could select with the fancy tongs in the bakery dept. I would devour them – butter slathered all over their fluffy insides. No protein anywhere to be found. Just bread and…
“Don’t crash while I’m doing this,” I say as I unbuckle my seat belt. “O….kay,” says David – eyes now glued to the road in front of him. His peripherals have extended to a 6 foot radius around the car. We’re on our way to the airport. Rissa is travelling to Vancouver. BY HERSELF. At…
“You guys just don’t understand!!” “Nobody else’s mother does this, you know…” mutters Rissa. “Yes, but this needs to be documented! I’ve been suffering for at least two weeks now!” I’m sitting in front of the webcam. “She’s right Heather, this is weird… even for you,” David chimes in. “Why are you guys laughing?” “Why?”…
What’s most difficult, is telling them all apart. I’ve had to invest in a high-resolution magnifying glass in order to differentiate. I’m thinking of sewing wee little smocks with their names on them. Alistair, Bernice, Connal, Dee, Ernest… I’m going for asexual in style – I don’t want to limit them. Should they decide in…
My friend Matt made me a drink a couple of weekends back: bourbon, ginger ale, lime juice, mint, a sugar cube and ice – you know, to cool it all off and make it perfect for sipping in the backyard. Just typing the ingredient list sets my salivary glands headlong into a sweet drool. I…