The first week back to school was surprisingly easy. Disproportionate levels of ease. It was smoooooooth, it was cream cheese icing, it was James Brown. This second week back to school is kicking our asses. We are so frickin’ tired. It feels like we have a new baby or puppy in the house. We are…
Way, way, WAAAAAY back when – there were these things called girdles. Everyone who was anyone wore one. And you know why? Because, back in the day, there were lots of form-fitting clothes. And women wore them. Because why? Because of a girdle. Today’s girdles are Shapewear. Spanx. Basically they’re wetsuits. Add a snorkel and…
Twice last summer, I woke myself by biting my tongue in my sleep. Really hard. Lots of blood, can’t-chew-your-food-the-next-day, hard. So, like any modern gal, I Googled it. Type ‘biting tongue in sleep’ into Google and the next thing you know, you’ve got epilepsy. And then you start reading about all the symptoms of epilepsy…
Courting trouble When I was younger, I did things… I courted trouble. I was the brash girl with the great rack who wasn’t afraid to use words or breasts to my advantage. Back in the day, I faked my Driver’s License with green liquid paper, a fine-tipped pen and a steady hand. I shop-lifted bad…
I freely admit that I’m jumping, gleefully I might add, onto the viral bandwagon here. Yesterday I discovered Ylvis: After the initial “what the fuck…?” during the first verse, I got it. I got that Ylvis are possibly the most brilliant and surreal musical comedy peformers – IN THE GALAXY. (Or they might just have…
Or at least that’s what I thought the physiotherapist said it was. It’s actually SuPRAspinatus. Supra – Latin for above and Spinatus from the Latin ‘spina’ which means thorn – which really has nothing to do with the spine, other than the vertabrae to which the muscle attaches look kind of spiny I guess, but…
“BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!“ Rissa was laughing… maniacally… behind my back. We were waiting for our luggage to be pulled from the storage room so that we could all pile into the van and head back home from our girls’ dance weekend in Toronto. “What are you doing?” “I just totally licked your elbow and you didn’t notice!”…
For all you parents dropping off your children (of all ages) at school this week… an excerpt from More Work Than a Puppy (or what your mother never told you about procreation). I was told by the mother of a university-aged daughter that I’d missed an important demographic. I added this particular monologue in 2005 with a…
There were two girls, seven, maybe eight years old, on the sidewalk a couple of blocks ahead of us. They had a stick. They were moving something onto the road with the stick. Having walked down the road earlier that day, I knew that the thing they were moving into the road was a dead…
We didn’t realize for the longest time. She was masking it so well. She was coping. But it became apparent this morning that my daughter has… she has… dishwasher blindness. (sob) Comparable to night blindness, dishwasher blindness tends to hit at a much younger age. Early signs of dishwasher blindness seem innocuous. Dinner ware might…