When did I start having these crazy-ass hand veins? How did that happen?!? I’m 44 with the hands of a grandmother. I want to raise my hands above my heart so that all the blood rushes from them and I can pretend they are still young and pretty and not all blue and bulgy and…
Curly hair. Not every stylist gets it. You just can’t cut curly hair the way that you cut straight hair. It has a life of its own. You lose length when it dries. It SPROINGS. My regular stylist – Amanda – the one who can cope with curly hair, is off work, expecting her third…
Anybody else craving salt? I feel like I could have a freaking salt lick and it wouldn’t be enough for me. I keep making “nom, nom, nom” noises when I pass the salt aisle at the grocery store. You know the one… chips, peanuts, popcorn, tortilla chips… I want to take the salt shaker and…
I open up the freezer, seeking concentrated orange juice. I’ve got a brutal cold and my body is craving the vitamin C. I am Stanley, looking for my Livingstone. This is one of those real adventures into the freezer. I lift things up. Sole filets from 2010, Freezies from when we moved to this house,…
“Wait! Wait!” Rissa says, as I’m trying to depart her bedside. She clutches at me. “You can’t go yet.” “Why not?” “You have to lie on me!!” “Because why?” “Because then I can put my arm on my stomach and see if I can escape.” (This is one of those things that happened by accident…
It’s afternoon snack time!! I have just thrown in a bag of microwave popcorn when David calls to have me find a file. I run upstairs to find it, but immediately realize the folly in leaving unattended microwave popcorn, so I run back downstairs and ask Rissa to stand guard. “Can you please listen for…
“So, how was your day?” I ask Rissa. “People looked at me weird when Nerine was holding my leg while I was feeling up my inner thigh.” Beat, two, three… I close my eyes for a moment. “O…kay… Explanation…?” “In Science we were using plasticine and toothpicks for a project, and I ended up sitting…
Have I pissed off some ancient Fertility Goddess? Did I poop on Hera’s cornflakes? Forget to return Mama Quilla’s call? Accidentally take Nim-inna’s name in vain? ‘Cause it’s only been 17 days. SEVENTEEN FREAKING DAYS!! It’s stress. It’s got to be. I mean, I forgot to take my special herbal cyclical-extension remedy pill once last…
I’ve been collecting David’s belly button lint. In the lip of my crystal ring holder. You know, just to see how much we can actually accumulate over the course of the year. David’s pretty hairy, so during the course of a regular day, his chest hair and “Happy Trail,” move the lint from inside a…
There used to be a time when I could drink flavoured Nescafe instant coffee and think it was good. I drank it weak. I drank it full of sugar. Really what I drank was a hot milk shake with what amounted to a wee bit of coffee flavouring. Then it all changed with Alice. Alice…