“OHHHHHHH! OHHHHHHHH GOD!” I moan. “Heather?” “Sweet Jesus…” “You okay in there?” “I’m good, I’m good.” David cracks open the bathroom door. “You sure?” “I did cardio kickboxing yesterday with Rissa.” “Ahhhhhh… not that kind of moaning.” “Yeah.” He winces as I try to walk. “It’s like child birth.” “What?” “Kickboxing. It’s like child birth….
So hot. Sweaty. Can’t get enough air into my lungs. Climbing up through sleep knowing one thing is certain: This is it. I have COVID-19. The pit of my stomach fills with panic. I kick one leg out of the blankets, seeking cooler air. The rest of my body feels paralyzed. I have no energy…
“Are you ready for lunch?” asks Rissa. “Lunch Time!!” I reply “♩♫ It’s Lu-u-u-unch… TI-I-I-IIIIIME!!♬♫ “ “O… kay…” says Rissa, eyebrows dropping in resignation. “What were you planning on for lunch?” “I dunno. Grilled cheese??” “Or… tuna melts?” “TUNA?!?” This is the best idea Rissa’s ever had in her entire life. “TUNA! TUNA! TUNA!!!!” I make my…
Remember your first bra? That verging on A cup, training bra? This clothing item had two purposes: to mask breast buds and to serve as a horizontal bulls-eye for the boys in grade 5 who seemed to make it their life’s work to SNAP the back of that sucker as soon as they glimpsed it underneath…
“Hey there Handsome,” says Rissa. “Well, HE-LLO!” I reply, modulating my voice to a lower, much sexier, register. “I am not talking to you,” she says. “I am talking to Steve, obviously.” “Obviously.” “Because he is the handsomest being in this house,” she continues. “Yes. Yes he is.” “Did I just lose a beauty pageant…
“Uh-oh,” I say as I’m about to step into my bedroom. “What?” asks Rissa. “Hold these,” I say, pushing freshly washed sheets into her arms. (Sidebar: have I mentioned that I have a kid who never complains when I ask her to be my Plus One in household chores? She’s a fucking unicorn.) “Why?” She…
David sucks at stopping conversations. When he has the opportunity to make a declarative statement that will allow him to be able to walk away? He can’t do it. Thursday, March 12, right before it was announced that schools would be closed and the shit had yet to actually hit the fan, David was antsy…
“I’ve decided against cutting my own hair,” I say before heading upstairs to have my shower. “That’s probably a wise decision,” says Rissa. “Yeah, I can just wait until social distancing is over.” “Good choice.” I’m not sure exactly what happens before I make it into the shower, but somehow there are scissors in my…
When you dress for the day, you think to yourself, I feel so confident in my pseudo retro-look! My posture is something my mother can be proud of! My shoes match my skirt almost exactly!!! And then you see photographic evidence of yourself from that day… Ladies and Germs I give you Heather from a January…
Sure, the sound of cats having sex is impressive, but nothing can beat the noise of cats out to kill each other. That alarm clock has you leaping from your bed, blood-pressure skyrocketing, arms gesticulating wildly before your feet even hit the floor. Special Ops units use this sound to train their soldiers to be…