“Are you ready for lunch?” asks Rissa. “Lunch Time!!” I reply “♩♫ It’s Lu-u-u-unch… TI-I-I-IIIIIME!!♬♫ “ “O… kay…” says Rissa, eyebrows dropping in resignation. “What were you planning on for lunch?” “I dunno. Grilled cheese??” “Or… tuna melts?” “TUNA?!?” This is the best idea Rissa’s ever had in her entire life. “TUNA! TUNA! TUNA!!!!” I make my…
Remember your first bra? That verging on A cup, training bra? This clothing item had two purposes: to mask breast buds and to serve as a horizontal bulls-eye for the boys in grade 5 who seemed to make it their life’s work to SNAP the back of that sucker as soon as they glimpsed it underneath…
“Hey there Handsome,” says Rissa. “Well, HE-LLO!” I reply, modulating my voice to a lower, much sexier, register. “I am not talking to you,” she says. “I am talking to Steve, obviously.” “Obviously.” “Because he is the handsomest being in this house,” she continues. “Yes. Yes he is.” “Did I just lose a beauty pageant…
“Uh-oh,” I say as I’m about to step into my bedroom. “What?” asks Rissa. “Hold these,” I say, pushing freshly washed sheets into her arms. (Sidebar: have I mentioned that I have a kid who never complains when I ask her to be my Plus One in household chores? She’s a fucking unicorn.) “Why?” She…
David sucks at stopping conversations. When he has the opportunity to make a declarative statement that will allow him to be able to walk away? He can’t do it. Thursday, March 12, right before it was announced that schools would be closed and the shit had yet to actually hit the fan, David was antsy…
“I’ve decided against cutting my own hair,” I say before heading upstairs to have my shower. “That’s probably a wise decision,” says Rissa. “Yeah, I can just wait until social distancing is over.” “Good choice.” I’m not sure exactly what happens before I make it into the shower, but somehow there are scissors in my…
When you dress for the day, you think to yourself, I feel so confident in my pseudo retro-look! My posture is something my mother can be proud of! My shoes match my skirt almost exactly!!! And then you see photographic evidence of yourself from that day… Ladies and Germs I give you Heather from a January…
There he is, seated on the love-seat next to the kitchen. In his striped onesie. Trying to blow his nose. “Morning love,” I say. “Borning,” he manages. He is adorable. “You hungry?” “Yeb, pleebe.” “How about some eggs?” He nods sadly. “Pleebe.” Poor guy looks so exhausted. I know that he didn’t sleep well last…
I just want to be at my best for Christmas Eve dinner, you know? Well-presented. Whisker-free. Having spent a great deal of time yesterday absentmindedly playing with my chin and neck hairs, I knew that this morning should really be dedicated to the pre-Christmas pluck. I head to the bathroom with purpose. I ablute as…
Originally, David wants me to go to our local Community Theatre’s Costume Shop and “pick up a black suit that should fit.” He is perplexed when I explain that were I to pick out a suit without him there, that the suit would not fit. “You’re going to actually have to try a suit on.”…